5 Random Bizare Classified Ads from Gumtree.com London

Recently a friend of mine brought this otherwise handy, for anyone who doesn't know it's like a local kinda 'Ebay' and job search site the Aussie's and South African's which frequent London use to sell cheap things when they go back home, sites classified section to my attention.

I am not kidding when I say it's completely lulzworthy; possibly the most lulzworthy thing I've seen all year.

The site address is: http://www.gumtree.com/london_casual_relationships.html.

You could spend hours sifting through for some epic copypasta, and I suggest you do the next time you have a few minutes to spare; but for your convenience I have listed five random classifieds and my commentary and suggested changes to them. Note all of these Ads are no more than a week or two old... Enjoy.


1. "Lick You Out"

Age: 32
Date: Tuesday 4th March

"I want to spread your legs and go down on you. Licking with my tongue, playing with your clit, finger fucking you, hearing you moan with pleasure, you'll walk out of my door with a big smile on your face. I'm a genuine guy, white, 5ft 11, green/blue eyes, clean and genuine. Get in touch and lets arrange..."

This guy certainly doesn't beat around the bush does he? Evidently, he's right into the bush... tounge first when at all possible. The first thing that strikes me is the fact he has to emphasis that he is 'clean' – to me this kinda suggests otherwise, the second thing is the mention of the probability of you 'walking out of his door'... this kinda suggests to me that he has considered the possibly that you won't, coupled with his stating he is a 'genuine guy' (I corrected the spelling on the ad, he'd spelt the word Genuine wrong). Smile on your face as you leave...? Or knife in your lady parts? Who knows with this kinda mixed-motivation classified ad.

What I'd have put instead:

"Man, minger, can't get girls; will lick you out if you let me touch your right breast. I may well be a future/past/present serial killer."


2. "Bukkake"

Age: 39
Date: Tuesday 4th March

"Hi there!

I'm really keen to try something I've often thought about - bukkake.
This is where the guy cums on the girls face and mouth. Nice, eh?!

Is there anyone out there who likes this sort of thing, or is (like me) keen to try this out? I've been told by girlfriends in the past that I have the nicest tasting spunk ... I'm clean and D&D free so no problems there, and you should be too.

If you like I can take pics of your face afterwards (with your camera so you dont need to worry about your shots falling in to wrong hands!)

If this whets your appetite for more information, get in touch and we'll go from there. What do you think?

laters

x x"

"...really keen to try something I've often thought about - bukkake." Read: ...really keen to try something I've often fapped about, Bukkake!" I love the happy-go-lucky "Nice, eh!?" on the end - It suggests a certain mental instability that all girls want in a stranger they are gonna' (if things go well for the chap) let spunk over their face. I am not even going to mention the subtlety factor here... He wants to take photo's too... this whole ad screams porn addict doesn't it? The optimism... or extreme pessimism (I can't decide which it is, it's a paradox) in the "Laters x x" makes me want to cry.

What I'd have put instead:

"I am addicted to porn and want to recreate the much overused bukkake fantasy like SO bad. OMG. I love that shit. No girl will let me do it. In fact, I don't know any girls (irl anyways lol). Do it for the lulz. Would like photo's to share with 4chan.org /b/ and other image boards. K Tks".


3. "help ."

Age: 35
Date: Tuesday 4th March

"hi girls, here there is a man in need...would you help me :)

me: italian, 5'8", fit body, good looking
you: young, fit, sexy, funny.

hope to hear from you

ciao"

Apart from being a short ass... why would a guy with a "Fit body" who is "good looking" "young, sexy, fit and funny" be posting such a desperate and ill conceived ad in a classified section? I think someone here is telling some porkie pies! (That's "lie's" for all the American's out there). I think we should exchange "Fit Body" to "Really stocky and shapeless" good looking to "Butt monkey" and "young, clueless, sad and laughable" for the last bit. I'd be really interested to know how close to the money I am on that one. If only I could be bothered to phish this...

What I'd have put instead:

"Ugly, useless twat really needs sex badly. Anything considered. And I do mean... Anything."



4. "Do you wanna meet up with two girls"

Age: 23
Date: Tuesday 4th March

"We are two girls, who are looking for guys who want to meet and do something fun."

Yeah lets meet up and play Dungeons & Dragons! My Level 5 Fire Penis dispels your blatant Cloak of the Obvious Prostitute! Honestly... these two are definitely on the game. But then again saying that, then why the needlessly ambiguous classified ad?? "Meet up and do something fun" - posting on this particular classified board, that could be just about anything in the universe... "Sheep dipping", "Rubbing a spanner on your crotch"... I mean with this collection of freaks who knows? I'd have definitely gone with something a lot more clear.

What I'd have put instead:

"Two skanky hookers will double team loser. Must have cash (or smack)."



5. "top dogs in action genuine doggers"

Age: 32
Date: Tuesday 4th March

"me and my hubby will be at scratchwood tonight from 9pm till late we are looking for other couples and singles to join in the fun, we are both in our early thirties and very attractive, i loved to be gang banged on the bench with the fresh air whirling around my pussy while my hubby watches and wanks, he also likes to be sucked off by a tranny who are also very welcome. daytime fun in the afternoon most days we also go to scratchwood open space car park of a sunday afternoon its on the A1 near mill hill also warren lane car park stanmore on thursdays

ACTION MOST NIGHTS

http://connect4fun.co.uk/uk-swingers/dogging-locations/Hertfordshire/Scratchwood.htm"


Jesus. This looks fairly, well not 'normal' but you know - understandable, almost... respectable (in a twisted weird classified ad kinda way)... right up until they hit you with it "yeah, while a load of strangers are gang banging me on the bench my husband wanks....... while being sucked off by a tranny.” What the fuck...

What I'd have put instead:

"Slutty women has boyfriend in the closet; likes to be blown by tranny's during my full on pounding. All welcome."


That's all folks.

You're doing it wrong.

Old women gets the horn - no really, unicorn style.

Deep in the depths of Zhanjiang south China a 95 year old woman has sprouted a 12 centimetre long horn on her forehead - seemingly for no reason what so ever. Doctors are said to be "baffled" by the protrusion - and can only speculate that the women, Xiou Ling is suffering some kind of rare and obscure "hormone imbalance".

Is that some kind of entry level pun do you think? Horn-Mone? I'd like to think so.

Eitherway:

Meanwhile, somewhere on the internet... people are laughing at her picture.


Her family are said to be "saving up to have it [the horn] removed". Good. She's scaring the children.

In other, happier news, Xiou Ling has won the "unitentially looking like a Manga bad guy" award 2007 - hands down.

I wish the old dear well in removing the thing.

Kitty Piano Bong.

Best 'Flash Mobs' Ever.

Here is a collection of some of the most amusing flash mobs ever videoed and stuck up on the net. In case you don't know what a flash mob is wiki describes the phenomenon as; "a large group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, do something unusual for a brief period of time, then quickly disperse." What could possibly be more awesome?


Cosplay Dance Routine
Included for completeness.




The Berkly Ninja Battle
Included for sheer awesomeness.




The London Silent Rave
Included for the mystified communter factor.




The Birmingham Pillow Fight
Included for the baffled shopper factor.




Suntec City Tower "ARROWS!!"
Included for the Lord Of The Rings factor.




The Newcastle "Ball"
Included for the in front of a preacher factor.




The Brighton "Let's have a sleep" Mob
Included for the someone had to do it factor.




That's all folks.

Impromptu Cosplay Street Dance == Win.

I'd love to see someone pull off a flash mob like this in person. I'd wet myself. Awesome stuff.

Saw IV - What in the holy fuck.

In Soviet Russia, the DHS control your mind.

The future of U.S. anti-terrorism technology could lie near the end of a Moscow subway line in a circular dungeon-like room with a single door and no windows. Here, at the Psychotechnology Research Institute, human subjects submit to experiments aimed at manipulating their subconscious minds.

A dungeon-like room in the Psychotechnology Research Institute in Moscow is used for human testing. The institute claims its technology can read the subconscious mind and alter behavior.



Elena Rusalkina, the silver-haired woman who runs the institute, gestured to the center of the claustrophobic room, where what looked like a dentist's chair sits in front of a glowing computer monitor. "We've had volunteers, a lot of them," she said, the thick concrete walls muffling the noise from the college campus outside. "We worked out a program with (a psychiatric facility) to study criminals. There's no way to falsify the results. There's no subjectivism."

The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has gone to many strange places in its search for ways to identify terrorists before they attack, but perhaps none stranger than this lab on the outskirts of Russia's capital. The institute has for years served as the center of an obscure field of human behavior study -- dubbed psychoecology -- that traces it roots back to Soviet-era mind control research.

Click for Moar...

http://www.wired.com/politics/security/news/2007/09/mind_reading

In bizarre twist of fate Florida veterinarian extracts 7-inch toy rubber lizard from real lizard.

Seven-year-old Finley Collins thought her pet 12-inch bearded dragon might be giving birth when she noticed an unusual protrusion near the lizard's tail.

But Finley's father, Jeff Collins, feared it might be something more ominous and rushed Mushu to an animal hospital, where a veterinarian pulled out a 7-inch toy rubber lizard.

"I've never extracted a lizard from another lizard before," said veterinarian John Rossi.

Rossi had sedated Mushu and pulled on the protrusion.

"The next thing I knew, I was seeing legs and a body and a head. It was very strange to be tugging on this thing," he said.

By the time the rubbery lizard's legs began to appear, Rossi realized what it was.

"We were all laughing," he said. "It passed completely through the entire (gastrointestinal) tract," Rossi said.

Rossi said bearded dragons, a variety of Australian lizards, often swallow such things as small suction cups, screws and dimes.

This is just too wierd.

Star Wars: The Musical