Recently a friend of mine brought this otherwise handy, for anyone who doesn't know it's like a local kinda 'Ebay' and job search site the Aussie's and South African's which frequent London use to sell cheap things when they go back home, sites classified section to my attention.
I am not kidding when I say it's completely lulzworthy; possibly the most lulzworthy thing I've seen all year.
The site address is: http://www.gumtree.com/london_casual_relationships.html.
You could spend hours sifting through for some epic copypasta, and I suggest you do the next time you have a few minutes to spare; but for your convenience I have listed five random classifieds and my commentary and suggested changes to them. Note all of these Ads are no more than a week or two old... Enjoy.
1. "Lick You Out"
Age: 32
Date: Tuesday 4th March
"I want to spread your legs and go down on you. Licking with my tongue, playing with your clit, finger fucking you, hearing you moan with pleasure, you'll walk out of my door with a big smile on your face. I'm a genuine guy, white, 5ft 11, green/blue eyes, clean and genuine. Get in touch and lets arrange..."
This guy certainly doesn't beat around the bush does he? Evidently, he's right into the bush... tounge first when at all possible. The first thing that strikes me is the fact he has to emphasis that he is 'clean' – to me this kinda suggests otherwise, the second thing is the mention of the probability of you 'walking out of his door'... this kinda suggests to me that he has considered the possibly that you won't, coupled with his stating he is a 'genuine guy' (I corrected the spelling on the ad, he'd spelt the word Genuine wrong). Smile on your face as you leave...? Or knife in your lady parts? Who knows with this kinda mixed-motivation classified ad.
What I'd have put instead:
"Man, minger, can't get girls; will lick you out if you let me touch your right breast. I may well be a future/past/present serial killer."
2. "Bukkake"
Age: 39
Date: Tuesday 4th March
"Hi there!
I'm really keen to try something I've often thought about - bukkake.
This is where the guy cums on the girls face and mouth. Nice, eh?!
Is there anyone out there who likes this sort of thing, or is (like me) keen to try this out? I've been told by girlfriends in the past that I have the nicest tasting spunk ... I'm clean and D&D free so no problems there, and you should be too.
If you like I can take pics of your face afterwards (with your camera so you dont need to worry about your shots falling in to wrong hands!)
If this whets your appetite for more information, get in touch and we'll go from there. What do you think?
laters
x x"
"...really keen to try something I've often thought about - bukkake." Read: ...really keen to try something I've often fapped about, Bukkake!" I love the happy-go-lucky "Nice, eh!?" on the end - It suggests a certain mental instability that all girls want in a stranger they are gonna' (if things go well for the chap) let spunk over their face. I am not even going to mention the subtlety factor here... He wants to take photo's too... this whole ad screams porn addict doesn't it? The optimism... or extreme pessimism (I can't decide which it is, it's a paradox) in the "Laters x x" makes me want to cry.
What I'd have put instead:
"I am addicted to porn and want to recreate the much overused bukkake fantasy like SO bad. OMG. I love that shit. No girl will let me do it. In fact, I don't know any girls (irl anyways lol). Do it for the lulz. Would like photo's to share with 4chan.org /b/ and other image boards. K Tks".
3. "help ."
Age: 35
Date: Tuesday 4th March
"hi girls, here there is a man in need...would you help me :)
me: italian, 5'8", fit body, good looking
you: young, fit, sexy, funny.
hope to hear from you
ciao"
Apart from being a short ass... why would a guy with a "Fit body" who is "good looking" "young, sexy, fit and funny" be posting such a desperate and ill conceived ad in a classified section? I think someone here is telling some porkie pies! (That's "lie's" for all the American's out there). I think we should exchange "Fit Body" to "Really stocky and shapeless" good looking to "Butt monkey" and "young, clueless, sad and laughable" for the last bit. I'd be really interested to know how close to the money I am on that one. If only I could be bothered to phish this...
What I'd have put instead:
"Ugly, useless twat really needs sex badly. Anything considered. And I do mean... Anything."
4. "Do you wanna meet up with two girls"
Age: 23
Date: Tuesday 4th March
"We are two girls, who are looking for guys who want to meet and do something fun."
Yeah lets meet up and play Dungeons & Dragons! My Level 5 Fire Penis dispels your blatant Cloak of the Obvious Prostitute! Honestly... these two are definitely on the game. But then again saying that, then why the needlessly ambiguous classified ad?? "Meet up and do something fun" - posting on this particular classified board, that could be just about anything in the universe... "Sheep dipping", "Rubbing a spanner on your crotch"... I mean with this collection of freaks who knows? I'd have definitely gone with something a lot more clear.
What I'd have put instead:
"Two skanky hookers will double team loser. Must have cash (or smack)."
5. "top dogs in action genuine doggers"
Age: 32
Date: Tuesday 4th March
"me and my hubby will be at scratchwood tonight from 9pm till late we are looking for other couples and singles to join in the fun, we are both in our early thirties and very attractive, i loved to be gang banged on the bench with the fresh air whirling around my pussy while my hubby watches and wanks, he also likes to be sucked off by a tranny who are also very welcome. daytime fun in the afternoon most days we also go to scratchwood open space car park of a sunday afternoon its on the A1 near mill hill also warren lane car park stanmore on thursdays
ACTION MOST NIGHTS
http://connect4fun.co.uk/uk-swingers/dogging-locations/Hertfordshire/Scratchwood.htm"
Jesus. This looks fairly, well not 'normal' but you know - understandable, almost... respectable (in a twisted weird classified ad kinda way)... right up until they hit you with it "yeah, while a load of strangers are gang banging me on the bench my husband wanks....... while being sucked off by a tranny.” What the fuck...
What I'd have put instead:
"Slutty women has boyfriend in the closet; likes to be blown by tranny's during my full on pounding. All welcome."
That's all folks.
Tuesday, 4 March 2008
5 Random Bizare Classified Ads from Gumtree.com London
Friday, 29 February 2008
Tuesday, 26 February 2008
Friday, 22 February 2008
I think, therefore I am a hardcore casual gamer. The real future of the games industry...
Looking at the way the gaming world has evolved it'd be pretty stupid to lump all modern “Gamers” into the historical stereotype of nerdy, single, over- or under-weight guys with nothing better to do than perhaps play the odd game of tabletop Dungeons & Dragons and lay the smack down on Doom for several weeks with other local geeks and a self-organised LAN party – but this is exactly how wider industry and commerce have been categorising the gaming community right up until very recently indeed.
Even the games industry itself is somewhat guilty of considering the needs of all gamers to be consolidated, based on the traditional market stereotype for their industry.
The direction of the whole gaming industry has been dictated by this marketing mandate; the perceived hunger for bigger, longer, harder, more demanding and completely immersing gaming experiences, personified by the legacy stereotype. This has lead to the massive rise in production and marketing of the Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game, massive storyline-driven pseudo role-playing action games, personified by the later Grand Theft Autos and epic simulators such as Gran Tourismo, which require weeks and weeks of game time to get the most out of the software – or even play the areas of the game that made you want it in the first instance!
That's all well and groovy, but what about the gamers who don't want to be immersed into a cyber-reality and demanded upon by the kind of fictitious pressures (Guild leading, endless XP'ing...) which the larger expansive games, seemingly making up the bulk of 'quality' industry releases, insist upon?
What about me?
Within the gamer demographic is a large group, often overlooked by the marketing of the wider games industry; a gamer who, although enjoys playing, does not want the kind of extreme escapism offered as standard by the rest of the gaming world. A gamer who essentially wants an enjoyable retro pick-up/put-down gaming experience reminiscent of the early 1990's 16-bit era - without having to resort to emulating 16-bit technologies and replaying previously discovered and historically favoured titles. Something I often find myself doing for lack of finding anything new that satisfies my needs as a gamer!
What this particular playing demographic wants is modern pick-up/put-down titles with the benefit of modern gaming technologies and graphics techniques – an improvement upon the past, while maintaining the playability and versatility of retro gaming which got them interested in video games in the first place, before the industry was swept away by what I feel is both a misguided and Hollywood-driven imposed direction of “EPIC-NESS” in the overall culture of produced 'game play', propagated by, and you can place no real fault with the industry here, the pure quality of releases; games such as World of War Craft and EVE On-line were, no doubt, and irrespective of the segments of the market they exclude, nerd wet dreams twenty years ago.
So if these games are of such a high quality, why would people not want to play them?
The answer to this question lies within the evolving lifestyle of the gamer – as has already been discussed the traditional stereotype is at best 'ever changing' and at worst completely inaccurate in today's modern climate, despite industry insistence on using it as a basis for the creation of their titles. The industry seems to, by default, produce for this stereotype – without ever truly addressing the needs of the actual end users, or segmenting them into potentially different markets beyond the over simplistic hardcore or casual distinction.
What we have here is a sales-driven environment in an industry which should by rights be marketing driven, that is to say be looking to cater for the needs of the end user before the inception of a product. I've seen this before somewhere... I can only lament on the influence of Hollywood on the modern gaming industry.
The following lifestyle factors inevitably stand between true enjoyment of epic, large 'hardcore' games; career, education, personal relationships, family, kids, house keeping etc.
Now read that list again. These are all the things anyone probably wants to be good at in real life, and they stand against you when you are playing most modern quality games!
Examine the list. Any one, or more likely a combination of these factors in your life takes up deserved time in which you actually achieve something. The only way to succeed, that is to say become good, or pseudo-powerful (in the case of MMORPG's) in a modern game is to subtract time spent doing any of the above activities and instead play the game in question for that amount of time. The time a player needs to spend on a game to get the most out of it is at this time only increasing. This is completely, and excuse the British colloquialism, ass over tit.
The gaming market should not revolve around those people who will literally sacrifice real life goals for fictitious cyber-realities (this was obviously some marketing executives hard-on-inducing vision in the 1980s, a legacy decision born out of sales-driven greed and not actual market forecasting). There is something misguided about this approach, and not just on a moral and ethical level. Although we've all heard the, admittedly hyped and rare cases of child neglect resulting from so called “gaming addiction” (in my opinion people who can become dangerously addicted to games are in just as much danger of become dangerously addicted to cheese) and the other related stories of pure Darwin Award winning idiocy, such as the kid who killed himself to “meet his WoW character”, the goal of total population immersion makes no sense at all from a business angle either; you can't market and eventually sell products to people unable and or unwilling to earn a living in which to pay for them – that possibility may have sounded a far fetched notion 10 years ago, but take a look at the world now!
As the gaming market expands with innovations and more family-oriented marketing campaigns such as has happened with the Nintendo Wii, any business forecaster worth their salt would have to be looking at the mid-range future not a little worried about where the next few million bucks are coming from if everyone likely to buy a video game is so immersed in video games they already own that the industry either stagnates or falls in on itself completely!
Talking of the Nintendo Wii, there is the “other end of the gaming spectrum” to discuss - “the sub game packaged as a whole game”. In short, because I don't wish to dwell here, my initial summary says all that needs to be said, let's take a popular and indeed award winning example; Wii Sports. Great game. For about a week. When I note that people want pick-up/put-down play, that does not imply that the put-down will be forever after a very short time of ownership. A game can have depth without the length which has become the norm in what I have termed in this article “epic” games.
So, what do I actually want here? I want a game I can pick up and put down with no penalty to me either in real life or in the individual games world! I want depth to a game – without the length which paralyses me and never allows me to fully enjoy the software which I have paid for with my hard earned cash! Too much to ask?
If we term epic games as for 'Hardcore Gamers' and we term sub-games masquerading as full titles as for 'Casual Gamers' then what I want is something easily achievable and posted right between, that's right ladies and gents...
Hard casual gaming.
The term has been whispered in hushed, often married, or otherwise tied up in real life, circles of men (and indeed women, that's right, chicks dig video games) for a while now, but it is a demographic which has yet to be truly catered for by the wider market.
However it's not all bad news, there are an increasing number of independent game studios such as the Lucifer Game Studio / Facebook (found via a Google search for the term hard casual gamer – although I am sure they are not unique, are the only studio I could find with a clear hard casual gamer direction in their printed aims) who are lofting the banner of the Hard Casual Gamer high – and apparently targeting that market from the inception of their games – how I have noted it should be done.
We've yet to see what these particular games turn out like and if they will as they are aiming to do satisfy the needs of the 'hard casual gamer' – but I sense a turning of the tide in the industry, spearheaded by just such independent games developers.
I guess we'll see soon enough.
- Tengu
Thursday, 21 February 2008
Monday, 14 January 2008
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
The UK smoking ban is bollocks... and not just on principle.
When other countries have decided to institute a 'smoking ban', things have been planned out. Places had time to chose, arrange and more importantly heat their smoking areas. The idea of smoking outside isn't bad when accompanied with heating and a proper place to stand or sit, indeed, the whole concept of a "smoking ban" almost works on those terms - if it has to happen at all.
Dublin is a great example of somewhere the smoking ban has kinda worked. Well done Dublin.
England as a whole however, has failed. The ban swept in, threw smokers outside and basically forgot about them. Pubs had no time or inclination to actually get their acts together with outdoor provisions for their smoking patrons; the whole thing is a badly planned poorly executed mess - which reduces smokers to second class citizens in a public sense.
And now as we head into the dead of winter. I am cold, often wet and repeatedly ill as a direct result of it.
"Don't have a cig then, if it's too cold!" the idiots suggest.
Fuck you. Just fuck you.
Everyone else sign this http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/smokinglicenses/
