I shouldn't really post this but I am now working as a staff writer for www.geekngamer.com! It's supposed to be anon, but seeing as you guys even my regulars have no idea who I am, seems to be ok to post the location of any of my new musings. So anyways...
Check it out www.geekngamer.com Blog, Porn, The Internetz, Comedy, Bullshit Tech Reporting, General Tech, Films, Scifi, Gaming, Software, The Law, Gadgets, Wierd Science, Video and Random. All the topics anyone could want!
See you there.
Today's Slashdot article on how hax0rs have butt raped Hotmail Captcha signals that 'Captcha' as a security tool has seen much better days. So why not use Kittens? No rly. At least that's what one fella thinks. How does it work? It's simple, the guy reasons that a computer, although apparently pretty apt and telling letters from non-letters in terms of a graphic, will be hard pressed to tell the difference between a squire ll, tiger, hedgehog and a cat. The similarity of these cute cuddly things (ok, less so the tiger, but I digress) will provide, he says, a much better more secure form of Captcha. And you know what? I think he has a point...
This may or not be a scan/direct quote from "Put 'Em Down, Take 'Em Out: Knife Fighting Tecniques From Folsom Prison" the book I was discussing in today's previous post.
For reasons that are best left a mystery, today I found myself reading this page about knife fighting and what utter rubbish it is. It's an entertaining read from someone who obviously knows what they are talking about - it's always good to have a pop at the culture devourers who pick and choose what they want and think they know what they are talking about I find, I digress, What I mean is, you'd have to be pretty well versed in a subject to come up with a book as obscure as this...
Ever wonder how things actually came to be? This article is a look at how some of the things we take for granted in the modern age were first suggested.
Example - The need for warmth.
Two cavemen stand freezing in their tatty loincloths.
They are shaking but doing their best to try and keep warm stamping on the floor and such like. In the distance a Woolly Mammoth grazes.
Caveman 1 sniffs and stamps his feet in the cold some more.
Caveman 2: "That mammoth looks warm."
They nod and and both cock their heads to one side.
Example - The need for style.
Two cavemen stand in Woolly Mammoth skins looking a lot warmer than they would otherwise have been, one of them, Caveman 1, has a broken leg which has recently been inflicted upon him by a difficult Woolly Mammoth.
Caveman 1: You know what'd look better than this in retrospect?
Caveman 2: What's that?
Caveman 1 points into the middle distance where a Sabre Toothed Tiger is prowling.
Caveman 2 realises what is being pointed at and turns sharply to Caveman 1.
Caveman 2: Are you MAD?
There is a moment of silence before they both look contemplatively at the tiger...
Example - Religion.
Caveman 1: You know how we have all the Mammoth we can eat?
Caveman 2: Providing you get get them before they break your legs, yeah.
Caveman Two now sports not only Sabre Tooth tiger skin attire, but a large scar across his face presumably inflicted by afore mentioned Sabre Toothed tiger.
Caveman 1: Well... isn't it a bit... easy?
Caveman 2: What... like maybe someone is looking out for us?
Caveman 1: EXACTLY!
Example - Money.
Man 1: I've got some rocks.
Man 2: Er... yeah?
Man 1: Yeah. And I think, that these shiny one's, are worth... like... more than the normal one's.
Man 2: Yeah? Why's that?
Man 1: Well there ain't so many of the shiny one's for a start... Yeah. I think... I could get at least five normal one's, for every shiny one.
Man 2: Then what are you going to with them?
Man 1 scratches his head.
Example - A new mode of transport.
Man 1 and Man 2 stand in a field looking at a horse. There is a prolonged pause before Man 1 speaks.
Man 1: "I'm gonna get on that."
Example - The seafaring age.
Viking 1: That your new kind of boat?
Viking 2: Yup.
Viking 1: Kinda... long isn't it?
The two vikings both nod.
Example - An exciting new drink.
Man 1: "What's that?"
Man 2: "This? Dunno, not thought of a name for it yet. Want some?"
Man 1: "Yeah ok"
Man 1 takes a sip.
Man 1: That's pretty good... where did you get it?
Man 2: Wanked off a cow.
Example - Trade.
Man 1: So... you're telling me, if I give you my cow... You'll give me a bit of... paper, then I can go and exchange this bit of paper for goods and services?
Man 2: Right. Exactly.
Man 1: And someone else is gonna want this bit of paper are they?
Man 2: Yup... yup... definitely.
Man 2 doesn't look at all sure about this. He's looking at his feet.
Man 1: You're full of shit you are.
Example - The invention of the throwing axe.
Viking 1: What's that?
Viking 2: That's my axe.
Viking 1: What's it for then?
Viking 2: Chopping wood and such like.
Viking 1 cocks his head looking at the wood cutting axe.
Viking 1: You know what... I think you could throw that.
Viking 2 looks at it.
Viking 2: It's too big mate.
Viking 1: We could make a smaller one, lob it at people, it'll be great.
Viking 2: Naa, you'd just hit them in the head with the handle, it's not going to be weighted right.
Viking 1: Give it a chance.
Example - The invention of the viking helm.
Viking 1: You alright?
Viking 2: Yup yup.
Viking 1: What's that on your helmet?
Viking 2: Horns.
Viking 1 looks at the helmet.
Viking 1: You look like a cow mate.
Viking 2: What...? Really, I thought it'd be you know, like a dragon, or something.
Viking 1 shakes his head.
Viking 1: Nope. Cow. Too small. Horns needed to be bigger.
Viking 2: It'd slide off if they were any bigger.
Viking 1: A strap maybe? Bit of leather.
Viking 2 mulls this over.
Viking 2: While we are on the subject, what's that metal bit on your helm going down over your nose and face, what's that for?
Viking 1: Well the other day in battle you'll never guess what happened to me, some plank threw, threw an axe at me... hit me right in the nose with the handle.
Example - The invention of the pike.
Man 1: Ok Man 2, you know how we always die when they charge us on the horses?
Man 2: Yup. Dead. A lot.
Man 1: Well I have this really new high tech invention that can prevent this happening.
Man 2: Yeah? Excellent, lets have a look at it then.
Man 1 hands his new ground breaking invention to Man 2.
Man 2 looks it over.
Man 2: Yeah, this look very very much like a stick to me.
Example - The invention of the longbow.
Archer 1: That a new bow?
Archer 2: Certainly is.
Archer 1 looks at his companions new bow.
Archer 2: Made this one slightly differently, it's a bit... what's the word... bigger.
Archer 1: Work better does it?
Archer 2: Yup yup, seems to go further.
Archer 1: Longer distance?
Archer 2: Yeah, both in respect to range and size... it's a kinda a... long bow... really.
Example - If David Blaine had been born 200 years earlier.
Man 1: Who's that then?
Man 2: Says his name is David Blaine.
Man 1: Right. Why's he in the wooden box, being hung over the river then?
Man 2: Says he can stay up there for 40 days and 40 nights.
Man 1: Why'd he wanna do that then?
Man 2: Village idiot.
Man 1 nods in agreement.
Example - If David Copperfield had been born 200 years earlier.
Man 1: So you are saying, that you can make that big tower disappear. And... and... you can walk through a wall?
David Copperfield: Yup. No problem.
Man 1 glances to the local church...
Man 1: I'd keep that to yourself if I were you.
Example: Medicine.
Man 1: I think right, I think, that the reason people get ill... is that tiny little animals crawl inside you and you know, mess around with things.
Man 2: Sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Man 1: No, it's true, I'm sure; also, I think, if we get, a small amount of these little animals, and somehow put them inside us, somehow, we'll be able to get used to them, and then they won't hurt us anymore.
Man 2: Ok... how you gonna get them inside you?
Man 1: Hmm... jab them in with a needle of some kind?
Man 2 looks at man 1.
Man 2: You first mate.
Example - Medical Procedures.
Man 1: So you're telling me you've got this thing called what... an "endoscope"... and what you wanna do, is stick it... up my ass... just... to 'have a look'
Man 2: Yup.
Man 1: You can fuck, right, off.
The following is a list of the five most needlessly epic metal (or there abouts) music videos I still for some reason totally approve of. Enjoy.
1. Cradle of filth - Nymphetamine
Synopsis: It takes nearly 9 mins for her to take her shoe off while Danny Filth wears a dress and makes love to the microphone. And that's just the beginning of the epicness.
2. Rammstein - Sonne
Synopsis: Snow White gives the seven Dwarves a good spanking.
3. Horse The Band - Bunnies
Synopsis: Needless torture of an 8bit bunny.
4. Deathstars - Syndrome
Synopsis: The Deathstars want to be "inside" (with extra added Nuns for no apparent reason).
5. Ever Forever
Synopsis: 1980's Smoke and Wind effects FTW!
Oh I bet you do!
I also bet that 95% of the chicks in that group WERE the 13 year old girls who posed holding bottles of smirnoff ice but a few short years ago. I actually do have photographic proof of this... after all it was someone on my Facebook friends list who brought this group to my attention by rather joining it... But I can't be bothered. We all know what's going on here!
Irony and hypocracy FTW!
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=8562504030&ref=nf
May be old news to some, but I think the fact Leeroy Jenkins has his own WoW trading card is win.
This what happens when I announce I am doing Tech Support today...
Mr R.
Today at 12:33pm
I'm having trouble with my death star.
I'ts 99.99% indestructible.
What can I do to remove the "point 01"
Digital Nobody.
Today at 12:35pm
This is a common problem Sir, have you considered nailing some sheet metal or criss-cross fencing over the exhaust port? We also advice the summary execution of all Bothan's in the local area.
Mr R.
Today at 12:35pm
That sounds ideal!
Could you get it done tomorrow if money was no object?
Digital Nobody.
Today at 12:36pm
I'll send a couple of guys over in EV suits with some plywood and sheet metal within the hour sir. The execution teams are all busy at the moment, I'll have the death squads round up as many Bothan's as they can by the end of tomorrow. Is that ok Sir? Is there anything else?
Mr R.
Today at 12:43pm
Just one more thing...
My gunnery sergeants are worried about falling over a precipice into my giant death star gun, they have asked me for a rail but I'm worried that they would be leaning on it. They say its doesn't bother them that much cos they're gonna' be famous singers soon, what do you suggest?
Digital Nobody.
Today at 12:47pm
20 lashes with a horsewhip for such insubordination is Imperial Standard Sir.
Thank for using the Imperial Tech Support Service.
Hail the Emperor!
Below is a screen cap from an "article" of "news reporting" currently featured on the BBC website. Just read the caption below the picture...
If that's the case (which I am pretty sure it is...) then why fucking mention it in the first place? Because a picture of WoW would look prettier than a picture of an encrypted VPN session?
I often wonder where the mainstream tech news authors come from.
1995... planet of the newb... I dunno...
Fail.
Recently a friend of mine brought this otherwise handy, for anyone who doesn't know it's like a local kinda 'Ebay' and job search site the Aussie's and South African's which frequent London use to sell cheap things when they go back home, sites classified section to my attention.
I am not kidding when I say it's completely lulzworthy; possibly the most lulzworthy thing I've seen all year.
The site address is: http://www.gumtree.com/london_casual_relationships.html.
You could spend hours sifting through for some epic copypasta, and I suggest you do the next time you have a few minutes to spare; but for your convenience I have listed five random classifieds and my commentary and suggested changes to them. Note all of these Ads are no more than a week or two old... Enjoy.
1. "Lick You Out"
Age: 32
Date: Tuesday 4th March
"I want to spread your legs and go down on you. Licking with my tongue, playing with your clit, finger fucking you, hearing you moan with pleasure, you'll walk out of my door with a big smile on your face. I'm a genuine guy, white, 5ft 11, green/blue eyes, clean and genuine. Get in touch and lets arrange..."
This guy certainly doesn't beat around the bush does he? Evidently, he's right into the bush... tounge first when at all possible. The first thing that strikes me is the fact he has to emphasis that he is 'clean' – to me this kinda suggests otherwise, the second thing is the mention of the probability of you 'walking out of his door'... this kinda suggests to me that he has considered the possibly that you won't, coupled with his stating he is a 'genuine guy' (I corrected the spelling on the ad, he'd spelt the word Genuine wrong). Smile on your face as you leave...? Or knife in your lady parts? Who knows with this kinda mixed-motivation classified ad.
What I'd have put instead:
"Man, minger, can't get girls; will lick you out if you let me touch your right breast. I may well be a future/past/present serial killer."
2. "Bukkake"
Age: 39
Date: Tuesday 4th March
"Hi there!
I'm really keen to try something I've often thought about - bukkake.
This is where the guy cums on the girls face and mouth. Nice, eh?!
Is there anyone out there who likes this sort of thing, or is (like me) keen to try this out? I've been told by girlfriends in the past that I have the nicest tasting spunk ... I'm clean and D&D free so no problems there, and you should be too.
If you like I can take pics of your face afterwards (with your camera so you dont need to worry about your shots falling in to wrong hands!)
If this whets your appetite for more information, get in touch and we'll go from there. What do you think?
laters
x x"
"...really keen to try something I've often thought about - bukkake." Read: ...really keen to try something I've often fapped about, Bukkake!" I love the happy-go-lucky "Nice, eh!?" on the end - It suggests a certain mental instability that all girls want in a stranger they are gonna' (if things go well for the chap) let spunk over their face. I am not even going to mention the subtlety factor here... He wants to take photo's too... this whole ad screams porn addict doesn't it? The optimism... or extreme pessimism (I can't decide which it is, it's a paradox) in the "Laters x x" makes me want to cry.
What I'd have put instead:
"I am addicted to porn and want to recreate the much overused bukkake fantasy like SO bad. OMG. I love that shit. No girl will let me do it. In fact, I don't know any girls (irl anyways lol). Do it for the lulz. Would like photo's to share with 4chan.org /b/ and other image boards. K Tks".
3. "help ."
Age: 35
Date: Tuesday 4th March
"hi girls, here there is a man in need...would you help me :)
me: italian, 5'8", fit body, good looking
you: young, fit, sexy, funny.
hope to hear from you
ciao"
Apart from being a short ass... why would a guy with a "Fit body" who is "good looking" "young, sexy, fit and funny" be posting such a desperate and ill conceived ad in a classified section? I think someone here is telling some porkie pies! (That's "lie's" for all the American's out there). I think we should exchange "Fit Body" to "Really stocky and shapeless" good looking to "Butt monkey" and "young, clueless, sad and laughable" for the last bit. I'd be really interested to know how close to the money I am on that one. If only I could be bothered to phish this...
What I'd have put instead:
"Ugly, useless twat really needs sex badly. Anything considered. And I do mean... Anything."
4. "Do you wanna meet up with two girls"
Age: 23
Date: Tuesday 4th March
"We are two girls, who are looking for guys who want to meet and do something fun."
Yeah lets meet up and play Dungeons & Dragons! My Level 5 Fire Penis dispels your blatant Cloak of the Obvious Prostitute! Honestly... these two are definitely on the game. But then again saying that, then why the needlessly ambiguous classified ad?? "Meet up and do something fun" - posting on this particular classified board, that could be just about anything in the universe... "Sheep dipping", "Rubbing a spanner on your crotch"... I mean with this collection of freaks who knows? I'd have definitely gone with something a lot more clear.
What I'd have put instead:
"Two skanky hookers will double team loser. Must have cash (or smack)."
5. "top dogs in action genuine doggers"
Age: 32
Date: Tuesday 4th March
"me and my hubby will be at scratchwood tonight from 9pm till late we are looking for other couples and singles to join in the fun, we are both in our early thirties and very attractive, i loved to be gang banged on the bench with the fresh air whirling around my pussy while my hubby watches and wanks, he also likes to be sucked off by a tranny who are also very welcome. daytime fun in the afternoon most days we also go to scratchwood open space car park of a sunday afternoon its on the A1 near mill hill also warren lane car park stanmore on thursdays
ACTION MOST NIGHTS
http://connect4fun.co.uk/uk-swingers/dogging-locations/Hertfordshire/Scratchwood.htm"
Jesus. This looks fairly, well not 'normal' but you know - understandable, almost... respectable (in a twisted weird classified ad kinda way)... right up until they hit you with it "yeah, while a load of strangers are gang banging me on the bench my husband wanks....... while being sucked off by a tranny.” What the fuck...
What I'd have put instead:
"Slutty women has boyfriend in the closet; likes to be blown by tranny's during my full on pounding. All welcome."
That's all folks.
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