Wednesday, 31 October 2007

The 5 Greatest on/off science fiction romances of all time...

Here are my top five greatest on/off science fiction romances of all time. Feel the love.

#5 Dr Jackson & Vala from SG1

Picture the scene; a leather clad gun toting, possibly alien parasite infected, megolomanical - but hot assed, apparent 'space pirate' (space pirates are awesome) boards your ship with ease, ditches your shipmates and has you at her mercy. That's right - picture it. This is the situation presented to Doctor Jackson when he first encounters Vala in season 8 of Star Gate SG1.

But does he nail it? No he doesn't. Does he want to; you bet your ass he does, the chemistry is instant. She likes stealing rare alien artifacts, he likes collecting them - in many ways they are the perfect couple.

Later, mid way through season 9, Vala returns and basically hand cuffs herself to Dr Jackson with a strange, rare and alien artifact in the full knowledge that strange rare and alien artifacts are his "thing".


If it wasn't for the loss of his wife and that ongoing rather dull effect on the character arc of Jackson we are pretty sure he would have nailed her right there and then, however, Jackson is a pussy and continues to whine on about his wife's death until the very last episode of season 10 (I think it was as early as season 6 when she actually totally finally died - I wasn't really interested then either, Richard Dean Anderson was still on the screen) where he finally (and unexpectedly), and only after becoming trapped in a time bubble for 40 years or more - nails Vala.


On/Off in the way a school disco at the age of 16 is on/off this romance didn't so much have us guessing and wishing they'd just get it over with - although when you finally witness the first kiss a totally manly moment of "ahh" is experienced.

Unfortunately though it never actually happened at all. Time is reversed in the last episode, "Unending" and the pair have no memory of the event by the end of the season/show. Indeed, the only person who does is Teal'c and he is sworn to secrecy, and given the fact that he spent probably no less than 10 hours of actual screen time being tortured in the shows 10 year run, I don't think anyone is finding it out anytime soon.

Tragedy is part of romance. Life's a bitch.


#4 Odo & Major Kira from DS9

It becomes obvious pretty early on in the series that the shapeshifter has an inordinately large, and possibly oddly shaped, hardon for the Major - something he plays close to his chest for nearly two seasons before she finally finds out and the on/off relationship to end all on/off relationships begins.


I can't help thinking that if Kira would have, for just a few hours, ceased trying to bang prominent members of the Bajoran clergy or military government things would have progressed not only more smoothly but more quickly also. She does go for power it seems.


The relationship is only finally cemented when a holographic representation of 60's Las Vegas singer Vic Fontain (I still struggle to understand how anyone over at Paramount suggested him as a regular character for DS9... The mind boggles) tricks the two into thinking they are dating holographic representations of one another. Either way; they bone.

However, even once they are officially together it's hardly plain sailing; there's a war on don't you know and they often think the other half has died - which gets pretty boring after the third time. Additionally, Odo contracts 'Changling Aids' and nearly dies (only to be fixed by smarmy wanker of the year Julien Bashir in the last few episodes).

This relationship too however, ends in tragedy as in the last dying breaths of the series Odo returns to his people, the changelings, and enters their great sloppy link - to there remain, teach them to stop being assholes, and in return cure them of Star Fleet's cultivated 'Changeling Aids'.

Odo ditches Kira to pursue his 'political career' and she goes back to Deep Space 9 to sulk with Jake Sisko. That's what you get for going for power you gold digging Bajoran hussy.


#3 Han Solo & Princess Leia from Star Wars


Despite her articulations otherwise it's clear right from the very start that stroppy snotty princess Leia has got a chick hardon for grubby space tramp Han Solo - in true 16 year old brat fashion she even goes as far as snogging her own brother to play with his mind - only later in Empire to be completely owned, as while watching her unrequited love lowered into the freezing pit thing she screams "I love you" only for him to smile smugly and comment "I know".

It's amusing to imagine that the words Chewwy growls at the same time are also "I love you." That would make for an interesting, if aesthetically unpleasing love triangle if ever I saw one.

Word around the camp fire is that Harrison ford ad libed that line. Just another reason why Harrison Ford is awesome.


Later Leia does somewhat un-owns herself by rescuing Solo from 'Jabba's Palace of Fun' - although it's probably the worst "rescue" in the history of the entire universe, at least she tried. Even after this moment though there are still times when the relationship is in doubt, indeed, Solo suspects Leia of wanting to bone luke for almost half of Return of the Jedi. He reacts pretty well when she finally reveals to him that Luke is her brother. I dunno about you, but that might have creeped me out a bit.

This is a rare happy ending this one, they walk of into the sunset surrounded by Ewoks and dead Jedi.


#2 Kaylee & Doctor Simon Tam from Firefly

Forget everything you think you know about this chick. Think deeper. Deeper still. The first time we see her (chronologically speaking) she is being boned over Serenity's engine block by the then engineer of the crate - she then promptly steals his job. The gerbil face of innocence is a sham, Kaylee is a filth bag. Which is hot.


Re watch the entire series with this in mind. A lot of things will seem completely different to you; she is the predator here. From the second 'Doctor Good Looking' steps on the ship she is on the case like a frat boy date rapist.


The guy is attempting to look after his rather deranged killing machine of a sister, he's a little preoccupied, but that doesn't stop Kaylee coping a feel or trying to lure him to some place alone at every opportunity she gets. Eventually. They get to kiss, and presumably go off and bone - but when all is said and done she did spend an entire film and series working on it. Fair play to her for perseverance, but I think in real life, if he had had that much trouble from her, she'd have ended up with a restraining order.

Saying that I doubt even in the sinister Alliance you are allowed to take out restraining orders on such cutesy looking girls. The cops would just laugh at you.



#1 Jon Kryton & Aeryn Sun from Farscape

Taking the oft spoken little lived up to phrase "I'd die for you" and going Charles Manson on it we have completely insane Earthman space cowboy John Crichton and Hot assed Serbation Peacekeeper Commando killing machine Aeryn Sun. You can probably use the amount of times one of them risks their life for the other as a drinking game; not over the entire series, but on a per-episode basis.

Jon Kryton is one of the few men ever in fiction who can say the words "You may have me chained to a wall in one of those weird slightly uncomfortable Farscape bondage moments... but my women will be here in under an arn to tear you a new asshole" and not feel emasculated.

Screw Clive Owen's "Warrior women" rhetoric from 'Sin City' - if you want a warrior women who doesn't look like a Rugby prop Sun is probably the model on witch they should all be made. It's testament to her uncanny style and unconventional extreme hotness that Claudia Black is in this list twice.

Back to Kryton and Sun - they are the unstoppable space Bonney and Clyde who take down not only one, but two Empires during the course of Farscape - and this is even after Kryton is split in two and she has to choose one of them - the other one, living up to the die for you thing even without technically ending the relationship - dies for her.

Oh, she dies for him too, but they bring her back to life.

Fuck you, this is sci-fi, that shit happens.

In conclusion; if any sci-fi nerd can think of a romance they'd rather emulate, they are lying.

4 comments:

morjana said...

A few minor errors:

1) Dr Jackson & Vala from SG1

Dr. Jackson's wife, Sha're, died WAY back in season three in "Forever In A Day."

And Teal'c's name is... Teal'c.

2) Jon Kyrton?

No, his name is John Crichton.

Other than that, interesting commentary, thank you.

Morjana

A Digital Nobody said...

Spelling errors are fixed! Thanks. As regards Jacksons wife, I knew she died early, but did she not return at some stage after he ascended? Or did I imagine that? I've only seen SG-1 once - but I watched the whole thing through in the right order one episode at a time over about 6 months (excluding season 10 which I just watched last week).

Maybe I imagined it!

ROB said...

I can't belive you missed three of the most obvious, two from TNG, One From BSG. First the most obvious Cmdr. Riker & Counslor Troi, DUH, HOW MANY EPISODES WERE DEVOTED TO THAT ARC. Not to metion movie Cred. Thhen their is the less obvious but still right there in your face Capt. Picard Dr. Crusher Thing. Then from BSG Starbuck-Apollo. God do you even watch Sci-fi?

A Digital Nobody said...

If you akk me the TNG romance arcs were piss poor mate. Yeah, they were there, but inspiring they were not.

I don't care about Crusher and Picard.

I care less about Riker and Diana!

I actually would probably put Worf and Dax at number #6. But in case you failed to notice; I put them in order best at #1, and only did five.

Deal with it!

I've not watched Battlestar at all yet. I am saving it all for a rainy day - I like to watch things all in one go over a few weeks, so on that I can't comment - you may well be right.

Thanks for the comment. Take a walk in the fresh air.

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