Wednesday, 19 December 2007

Lib Dem orly?

The UK smoking ban is bollocks... and not just on principle.

When other countries have decided to institute a 'smoking ban', things have been planned out. Places had time to chose, arrange and more importantly heat their smoking areas. The idea of smoking outside isn't bad when accompanied with heating and a proper place to stand or sit, indeed, the whole concept of a "smoking ban" almost works on those terms - if it has to happen at all.

Dublin is a great example of somewhere the smoking ban has kinda worked. Well done Dublin.

England as a whole however, has failed. The ban swept in, threw smokers outside and basically forgot about them. Pubs had no time or inclination to actually get their acts together with outdoor provisions for their smoking patrons; the whole thing is a badly planned poorly executed mess - which reduces smokers to second class citizens in a public sense.

And now as we head into the dead of winter. I am cold, often wet and repeatedly ill as a direct result of it.

"Don't have a cig then, if it's too cold!" the idiots suggest.

Fuck you. Just fuck you.

Everyone else sign this​/smokinglicenses/

Thursday, 29 November 2007

Muhammad is the perfect name for a teddy.

My Teddy is Muhammad. Wanna fight about it?


Chris Rock totally has a point.

Saturday, 17 November 2007

Yo, Spice Girls, ever get the impression no one gives a fuck?

Seriously. Give it up. Your "come back" is the most depressing thing I've ever had the displeasure of witnessing. And yeah, congratulations on your attempted hijacking of the BBC Children In Need Event on Friday the 16th of November. When I could bare to watch no longer, they had made 10 Million pounds for the entire event...

How much did you four assholes, in particular Victoria Beckham make last year?

Why not give whatever you don't need, for just one year, you'd probably quadruple what the event made. Hypocritical sad old wankers.

Just, give it up. Please.

Thursday, 15 November 2007

I have had it with Firefox.

I remember the concept of "taking back the web" - I remember the spin. I remember how Firefox grew from a good idea to a feasible market force, and I remember how almost the instant it was credible as an alternative to Internet Explorer, the most ill conceived bit of software in history, things started to go wrong.

As an aside regarding Internet Explorer, who on Earth thought it a good idea to integrate something net-facing into the guts of an operating system ? Did no one see the problem with that particular concept coming a mile off, even if they were perhaps not so apparent in the early days? Come on people, seriously. Although that was from the company who's CEO claimed that 64kb would be enough for anyone... Go figure.

Back to Mozilla's claim to fame, Firefox. As the software became more popular the development team did not react well to on mass criticism - it is tough to deal with, but slagging off frustrated users and claiming problems are features was never the way to go. I got slightly worried at this point - but Firefox was fast, reliable, and best of all not Microsoft Internet Explorer. So I continued to use it.

More serious bugs started to appear as time dragged on, bugs that came not from Firefox but from the antiquated framework Gecko, the guts of all things browser and Mozilla, started to rear their ugly heads. Such things were exploited. The adage, and for a long time battle cry of Internet Explorer fans, all 5 of them, that the only reason Firefox was so secure was because less people were using it and thus less malicious users were targeting it began to prove itself as 100% true.

In retrospect I should have stopped using Firefox the moment I read that malicious code on a site could read and print your password list. I didn't. I just stopped saving passwords in Firefox. Why should I have to do that in software that was supposedly designed, and built it's reputation on being apparently 'secure'.

So with Firefox today, what do we actually have? A bloated mess of a browser, just as or almost as insecure as MSIE, plagued by constant updates, I got 3 in one week recentlywhile I was busy working in the browser, which bugged me you know? Yeah it's for 'my own good' they patch a bug, but still, It annoyed me - even before the crux of the matter that was pissing me off. But the real problem with all these updates, in a word or two; weird bugs. That's the problem.

Recently, every time firefox and the invaluable "no script" plugin updated; it lost not only all my noscript settings (ie. which sites I trust etc) but all my Firefox settings too. First time it happened I thought it'd be a one off problem, I let it go. This happened about 5 times; I was too busy to work out what the problem was, even if it was my own, although I frankly don't see what I could have done to have cause such an issue - I am free from 'bad'ware in all it's forms.

Today - it did Firefox did that twice. During the same session. That was it. Today Firefox pushed me to the end of my tether, I am now typing this on Opera. I'd feel ashamed if I had a fucking choice what so ever.

Yes, before the trolls pipe up, this is another rant. But seriously, Firefox, Mozilla... I think somewhere along the line you've either;

a) realised why Explorer had such a hard deal (other than it was part of the OS which was always a bloody stupid idea).


b) completely forgotten why you started to create Firefox in the first place.

Either way, you just lost one convert.

I am sure you've lost more.

And I am completely convinced you will lose even more as time goes on.

Oh internets, how the mighty come and go...

Wednesday, 14 November 2007

Still Alive!

Don't fear folks, I am still alive, just really busy with work. Watch this space.

Thursday, 1 November 2007

Check this site out; post your synopsis of movie plots!

There is some serious potential for lulz here.

It's a site, which allows you to quickly register and post your synopsis of a movies plot, or an alternative synopsis to a movie plot that has already been posted.

Check it out -

Somegems from the site...

Predator 2

Predator 2: Danny Glover is too old for this shit. He's a cop and he's pissed off, drug dealers have taken over the city and everyone is wondering why the National Guard haven't been called in; except the Predator, who despite being a pussy who will ultimately get smacked up by a fat Danny Glover, is wandering around randomly owning drug gangs. Glover chases the Predator and fights it in it's ship - once defeated a load of other Predators decloak and hand Glover a pistol from 1700 or there abouts. WOW THEY HAVE BEEN COMING HERE FOR THAT LONG - was the intended croud pop. In fact, no one much cared.

Grindhouse: Deathproof

Grindhouse: Deathproof - Two and a half hours of talking with two car crashes followed by Kurt Russel getting the piss kicked out of him by three chicks. Awesome.

Fire In The Sky

Fire In The Sky - Apparently "True Story" about a hick who gets his ass abducted by a UFO and is violently probed. His friends are accused of his murder while he is gone, but no one is really ever interested in that side plot. Some of the probing is quite grusome.

And those were just off the front page. As I said check it out -

Wednesday, 31 October 2007

The 5 Greatest on/off science fiction romances of all time...

Here are my top five greatest on/off science fiction romances of all time. Feel the love.

#5 Dr Jackson & Vala from SG1

Picture the scene; a leather clad gun toting, possibly alien parasite infected, megolomanical - but hot assed, apparent 'space pirate' (space pirates are awesome) boards your ship with ease, ditches your shipmates and has you at her mercy. That's right - picture it. This is the situation presented to Doctor Jackson when he first encounters Vala in season 8 of Star Gate SG1.

But does he nail it? No he doesn't. Does he want to; you bet your ass he does, the chemistry is instant. She likes stealing rare alien artifacts, he likes collecting them - in many ways they are the perfect couple.

Later, mid way through season 9, Vala returns and basically hand cuffs herself to Dr Jackson with a strange, rare and alien artifact in the full knowledge that strange rare and alien artifacts are his "thing".

If it wasn't for the loss of his wife and that ongoing rather dull effect on the character arc of Jackson we are pretty sure he would have nailed her right there and then, however, Jackson is a pussy and continues to whine on about his wife's death until the very last episode of season 10 (I think it was as early as season 6 when she actually totally finally died - I wasn't really interested then either, Richard Dean Anderson was still on the screen) where he finally (and unexpectedly), and only after becoming trapped in a time bubble for 40 years or more - nails Vala.

On/Off in the way a school disco at the age of 16 is on/off this romance didn't so much have us guessing and wishing they'd just get it over with - although when you finally witness the first kiss a totally manly moment of "ahh" is experienced.

Unfortunately though it never actually happened at all. Time is reversed in the last episode, "Unending" and the pair have no memory of the event by the end of the season/show. Indeed, the only person who does is Teal'c and he is sworn to secrecy, and given the fact that he spent probably no less than 10 hours of actual screen time being tortured in the shows 10 year run, I don't think anyone is finding it out anytime soon.

Tragedy is part of romance. Life's a bitch.

#4 Odo & Major Kira from DS9

It becomes obvious pretty early on in the series that the shapeshifter has an inordinately large, and possibly oddly shaped, hardon for the Major - something he plays close to his chest for nearly two seasons before she finally finds out and the on/off relationship to end all on/off relationships begins.

I can't help thinking that if Kira would have, for just a few hours, ceased trying to bang prominent members of the Bajoran clergy or military government things would have progressed not only more smoothly but more quickly also. She does go for power it seems.

The relationship is only finally cemented when a holographic representation of 60's Las Vegas singer Vic Fontain (I still struggle to understand how anyone over at Paramount suggested him as a regular character for DS9... The mind boggles) tricks the two into thinking they are dating holographic representations of one another. Either way; they bone.

However, even once they are officially together it's hardly plain sailing; there's a war on don't you know and they often think the other half has died - which gets pretty boring after the third time. Additionally, Odo contracts 'Changling Aids' and nearly dies (only to be fixed by smarmy wanker of the year Julien Bashir in the last few episodes).

This relationship too however, ends in tragedy as in the last dying breaths of the series Odo returns to his people, the changelings, and enters their great sloppy link - to there remain, teach them to stop being assholes, and in return cure them of Star Fleet's cultivated 'Changeling Aids'.

Odo ditches Kira to pursue his 'political career' and she goes back to Deep Space 9 to sulk with Jake Sisko. That's what you get for going for power you gold digging Bajoran hussy.

#3 Han Solo & Princess Leia from Star Wars

Despite her articulations otherwise it's clear right from the very start that stroppy snotty princess Leia has got a chick hardon for grubby space tramp Han Solo - in true 16 year old brat fashion she even goes as far as snogging her own brother to play with his mind - only later in Empire to be completely owned, as while watching her unrequited love lowered into the freezing pit thing she screams "I love you" only for him to smile smugly and comment "I know".

It's amusing to imagine that the words Chewwy growls at the same time are also "I love you." That would make for an interesting, if aesthetically unpleasing love triangle if ever I saw one.

Word around the camp fire is that Harrison ford ad libed that line. Just another reason why Harrison Ford is awesome.

Later Leia does somewhat un-owns herself by rescuing Solo from 'Jabba's Palace of Fun' - although it's probably the worst "rescue" in the history of the entire universe, at least she tried. Even after this moment though there are still times when the relationship is in doubt, indeed, Solo suspects Leia of wanting to bone luke for almost half of Return of the Jedi. He reacts pretty well when she finally reveals to him that Luke is her brother. I dunno about you, but that might have creeped me out a bit.

This is a rare happy ending this one, they walk of into the sunset surrounded by Ewoks and dead Jedi.

#2 Kaylee & Doctor Simon Tam from Firefly

Forget everything you think you know about this chick. Think deeper. Deeper still. The first time we see her (chronologically speaking) she is being boned over Serenity's engine block by the then engineer of the crate - she then promptly steals his job. The gerbil face of innocence is a sham, Kaylee is a filth bag. Which is hot.

Re watch the entire series with this in mind. A lot of things will seem completely different to you; she is the predator here. From the second 'Doctor Good Looking' steps on the ship she is on the case like a frat boy date rapist.

The guy is attempting to look after his rather deranged killing machine of a sister, he's a little preoccupied, but that doesn't stop Kaylee coping a feel or trying to lure him to some place alone at every opportunity she gets. Eventually. They get to kiss, and presumably go off and bone - but when all is said and done she did spend an entire film and series working on it. Fair play to her for perseverance, but I think in real life, if he had had that much trouble from her, she'd have ended up with a restraining order.

Saying that I doubt even in the sinister Alliance you are allowed to take out restraining orders on such cutesy looking girls. The cops would just laugh at you.

#1 Jon Kryton & Aeryn Sun from Farscape

Taking the oft spoken little lived up to phrase "I'd die for you" and going Charles Manson on it we have completely insane Earthman space cowboy John Crichton and Hot assed Serbation Peacekeeper Commando killing machine Aeryn Sun. You can probably use the amount of times one of them risks their life for the other as a drinking game; not over the entire series, but on a per-episode basis.

Jon Kryton is one of the few men ever in fiction who can say the words "You may have me chained to a wall in one of those weird slightly uncomfortable Farscape bondage moments... but my women will be here in under an arn to tear you a new asshole" and not feel emasculated.

Screw Clive Owen's "Warrior women" rhetoric from 'Sin City' - if you want a warrior women who doesn't look like a Rugby prop Sun is probably the model on witch they should all be made. It's testament to her uncanny style and unconventional extreme hotness that Claudia Black is in this list twice.

Back to Kryton and Sun - they are the unstoppable space Bonney and Clyde who take down not only one, but two Empires during the course of Farscape - and this is even after Kryton is split in two and she has to choose one of them - the other one, living up to the die for you thing even without technically ending the relationship - dies for her.

Oh, she dies for him too, but they bring her back to life.

Fuck you, this is sci-fi, that shit happens.

In conclusion; if any sci-fi nerd can think of a romance they'd rather emulate, they are lying.

Chick from species to star in Kane's Wrath.

From the Kane's Wrath Blog; "Natasha Henstridge, also known as "the chick from Species" and more importantly to my mind, Ghosts of Mars (check it out) will be joined by Marcus Dixon (alias) and C&C veteran Joe Kucan who reprises his role as Leader of The Brotherhood of Nod Kane."

Ghosts of Mars: Alien Zombies from Mars. I thought you couldn't beat that. And now she is all NOD terrorist blapping the Scrin and shit - not to mention Species (Porn). Seriously, what is up with this chick and Aliens?

Who cares, it's awesome.

Monday, 29 October 2007

You're doing it wrong.

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

How Adsense works - for retards.

Some spaz writes in my comment system;

"I could care less about your feelings on Rowling, but having ads for her books and things on your site is beyond ironic......... and Pathetic as well." - Anon.

I love the capital "P" there sport!


Google chooses what ads I run, not me... you don't know how Adsense works do you? I don't have any say in it, I can block ads by specific URL (but only 500 and more than that will be selling Potter stuff), but frankly I have better things to do.

If Google want to advertise a persons product on a page ripping into it; that's their problem, and the products problem; not mine fuck you very much!

Now go masturbate over pictures of Dumbledore in his Y-Fronts.


This week's improbable deaths!

One could have easily escaped my attention, but these two strange deaths in the same week? I just have to comment. To be fair, it's not as if they are that funny; it's the improbability of both tragic events that has wow'd me. Check it out, you'll see what I mean...

1. Man Dies During Reenactment of Historical Battle.

Apparently his opponents lance shattered on impact with the poor knight and a splinter from the "balsa wood" weapon in a moment of sheer against-all-odds improbability entered the eye slit of the victims helmet and went on to penetrate his eye socket itself. Sir Unlucky died a week later in hospital.

Bummer right?

After taking a quick vote with people on-line
at the time of writing (on my MSN list and such) we've all unanimously decided that 'death in battle reenactments' does not qualify anyone for entrance to Valhalla or indeed Stovacore.

Double bummer.


2. Monkeys attack Delhi politician.

The following is not the kinda' thing you expect to read on the BBC Website;

"The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys."

It was a 'this is so awesome I just spat out my morning coffee awesome' moment.

A sad day for the guy's family but still, in all honesty, what a way to go!

Apparently the city has long 'struggled' to counter, what the Beeb dramatically decides to refer to as, "a plague of monkeys" who apparently 'invade' government complexes and temples, snatch food and scare passers-by.

I guess saying there 'are a lot of wild monkeys which get everywhere' was a little short on the elusive X-drama -Sensationalism factor for the BBC...

Well the hoard just progressed from petty theft to murder. Call in CSI...


Funniest Movie Death Scenes 1.5

Monday, 22 October 2007

Why I hate JK Rowling.

Rowling this week outed Dumbledore as being "gay".

Oh I bet she fucking did!

I hate this women.

I know hate is a strong word, but I do. I am not proud of it either. It's just how I feel about the chick. Why? Let me explain...

Let me start by saying that first and foremost I consider the Harry Potter works bordering upon plagiarised. Where from? Lets start with Lord of The Rings (monsters, high concepts), Star Wars (basic plot), The Worst Witch (downtrodden kid; nerdy kids love to empathise, something I am sure was a major element in Rowlings cynical plan right from the outset) - mix in Terry Pratchett's entire 'Unseen University' concept, for a summary of that check out Page 170 or there abouts in his novel "Equal Rites" - or as I like to call it 'the entire concept of Hogwarts' - I've shown this to people and they've been literally gobsmacked by the similarity's.

Not as gobsmacked however, as I am sure Pratchett was when he first read or heard about Potter though - the man is the king of paper back fantasy tat (with a hat) for decades and along comes Rowling - her literary guns (such as they are) aimed at kids and loaded with material Hollywood can churn out in movie form with relative ease. Played for and got, score one Rowling.

Pratchett did come back rather well with the 'Wee Free Men' et al., but at least those books teach some interesting lessons to kids - and were not motivated soley by greed as I am to explain I feel Rowlings writting is. I get the feeling they were more of a two fingers up to Rowling than a ploy to make the man more money. Score one Pratchett, congrats on the film deal.

Back to the point at hand, my feelings on Rowling's writing skill is summarized thus; if she handed the Potter books in as original works to many universities in the United States and they were thus entered into the national plagiarism database, quite simply they'd come up as plagiarised - if we must judge them on their own merit, they are at best completely derivative.

They are also written extremely badly. Like my articles. Not that that bugs me as much as the the non-owned up to plagiarism - if she admitted that a lot of her work was a homage to this or that, it wouldn't be so bad in my eyes - just extending a fine fantasy tradition (everyone owes something to Tolkien), but the arrogance of the women seems to think she can erase much of that which came before Potter - placing it in prime market position as the benchmark for all fantasy fiction (especially to those who hadn't read the genre previous to Potter), something which is put plainly; a lie. That gets my goat.

The Potter books do make great movies, I won't argue there - but they were supposed to. I am positive that was part of her financially driven money making plan in the first place!

Harry Potter was quite obviously her meal ticket, a function for which the formulaic epic has performed exceedingly well - however, despite this unprecedented and more importantly planned for, marketed for and written for, success, Rowling will still do almost anything to get some extra attention to her franchise.

"Dumbledore is gay," she says, adding he was smitten with rival Gellert Grindelwald, who he beat in a battle between good and bad wizards long ago.

Ok, If that's the case, and it's not, as I suspect, something you've just thought will get you some headlines and maybe a whole new demographic (Rowling appears to live for that) post the release of the final book, why the fuck was it not mentioned in the books?

Either Rowling,

a) you are making it up as you go along, and you thought this'd get some attention for you, and it is thus part of your overall cynical marketing plan.


b) you were too afraid to put a gay guy in a kids book for fear of certain more conservative interest groups going mad and boycotting your books (they would have, and they would have done it hard) - something you don't have to worry so much about now, because you have more money than God.


c) You planned to wait until every child who was going to buy all of your books had done, before announcing that one of the main characters was gay, and thus opening the franchise to a whole new market, ie. the gay community.

Which one of these people do you want to be Rowling? They are all pretty shitty.

Rowling is quoted as saying "I would have told you earlier if I knew it would make you so happy". Yeah sure, right, you didn't think that would make a bit of an impact? Stop playing dumb - this was yet another cunning marketing ploy. You're brilliant, I admit it, but you are too sly for even me luv...

Now the gay community will feel obliged to support her - the pink lobby now on board, is Rowling going to make a bid for real world power or what?! Seriously. Using fringe groups to expand your demographic influence is cynical beyond belief.

"Gay rights campaigner Peter Tatchell welcomed the news about Dumbledore and said: "It's good that children's literature includes the reality of gay people, since we exist in every society."

Pete, while I support your sentiment, gays are not "Jedi" or some secret society. "Existing in every society" is a bit of a dramatic way of saying some guys and gals have always liked guys and gals.

Perhaps he got caught up in the mysticism of Rowlings constructed, well arranged and marketed, magical world?

Just watch her the next time you see an interview. She hates kids - I think she even admitted that in an interview. She just wanted to get paid. She constructed, from bits of other stories - other peoples work, a plot and characters to facilitate this nefarious goal.

And that, is why I hate her.

She did it for the money, not for the drama, not for the story, not even for the kids. And I think if you are gonna write a kids book, you should probably, morally, have them in mind.

Not your bank balance.

You'll end up giving out a very twisted messege when they find out the person who wrote their heroes did it for the cash.

Thursday, 18 October 2007

"Mother Fucking Zombies" a film with Samual L. Jackson.

"Somewhere on American soil in a top secret government scientific base a dangerous and terrifying virus has escaped the confines of the lab it was breed in. The infected scientist having become Zombie like walking killing machines, who crave human blood and flesh, have disrupted other top secret experiments at the base; including a Sonic Super Weapon (tm), which has been accidentally activated and subsequently fired a wave of sound energy deep into the Earth causing the rapid destabilisation of the planets Core.

Else ware, and unaware of the global crisis, a Level 5 expert crime scene investigator, played by Samual L Jackson ("He's in everything!" - Chris, from Family Guy), has almost cracked the case of the decade - tracking down a brutal, and Jackson suspects female sexual predator and serial killer. At the scene of her last crime he lays in wait - because as we all know brutal serial killers always return to the scene of the their misdemeanours.

Not content with fucking up snakes, Jackson is gonna screw with some Zombies.

Just as the killer, played by some hot chick (doesn't really matter who), arrives and Samual prepares to pounce they are both knocked to the floor by a violent volcanic eruption. As they land atop one other; the sexual chemistry is obvious.

Meanwhile around the world volcano's have been made active by the Zombie's accidental firing of the top secret Sonic Super Weapon (tm). We are treated so some great CGI of unlikely places like London and Paris being flooded with lava and destroyed by fiery volcano death (tm).

Back on his feet now, and undeterred by what is from his perspective a mystery explosion of unknown origin, Jackson attempts to apprehend the killer - however, just as he gets within cuffing range of the hot, but deranged, serial murderer - Zombies burst through the window of the crime scene.

"What in the motherfuck is going on here?" Jackson questions.

The killer and Jackson fight off the Zombies and on seeing volcano's erupt in the distance and the emergency test signal on the television decide to team up to find out just what the hell is going on - "You just keep your motherfucking hot psycho ass in check, ya' hear?" Jackson requests.

The unlikely pair are lead on a path of shotgun brandishing Zombie killing until they find the now retired inventor of both the Sonic Super Weapon (tm) and the Zombie Virus, lead to him by top secret documents found on the corpse of a decapitated Zombie ex-scientist - the film then focuses on a race against time to create not only the antidote to the Zombie Virus, but a way to counter act the devastating effects of the Sonic Super Weapon (tm)!

"Mother Fucking Zombies" - Rated 18 (Tits, blood, and zombies)."

Believe it or not, this is not a real film, in fact this is just me taking all the things my girlfriend seems to like in a movie and weaving a plot around it. However:

Mr L Jackson, or perhaps FOX, if you wanna give me an email we can talk about $ and screenplays!

moarinternets [at] gmail [dot] com.

K, thanks.

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Waste Time Online?

Don't depair - we all do it these days, it's the new rock and roll, and this site is turning out to be a great link dump for the internet Mick Jaggar- a site to aid our online time wastage to be remembered, check it out - no registration, no score, no pseudo karma, just links for you to decide if you like or not - because frankly, who really cares if someone else likes a site as long as you do? This site is about non judgemental sharing. And fair play to it.

So go ahead and Waste Time Online.

Saturday, 13 October 2007

Simon Pegg to play Scotty - Awesome.

"Brit thespo Simon Pegg, who's previously entertained the crowds in Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, will play a young Scotty in the next celluloid Star Trek outing, Reuters reports.

Pegg joins Zoe Saldana as Uhura, Anton Yelchin as Chekov, John Cho as Sulu and Zachary Quinto as Spock in the film which reportedly, and logically, "chronicles the early days of the Enterprise crew". Leonard Nimoy will also put in an appearance, while Eric Bana signed up this week as the movie's villain, Nero."

If they really have to recast it, and they do because the real poor old Scotty is long since passed into the nether, then I really can't think of anyone better to take the role. Pegg must be jizzing in his pants at the thought. Well done that man. Lets just hope the film isn't a big pile of wank; because that will surely be upsetting, not only for me but for fans like Pegg too.

Time'll tell.

Friday, 12 October 2007

Best Halo 3 advert. Ever.

Awesome film characters you've forgotten or missed.

The films may not have been so great, but the characters: Wicked Awesome.

1. Burt Gummer – The Survivalist from Tremors.

Who, and why you forgot them:

You may have forgotten this guy; but I suspect if you don't know him you haven't' actually seen the film or the latter series. It's impossible to truly erase such awesomeness from the Human brain, that'd just be too tragic. It's not allowed. So, why is Burt Gummer so awesome? Simply because It's almost as if he knew, on some level, that one day, he'd have to kick some extraterrestrial ass. This guy has been sitting there on his pseudo redneck ass, armed to the frigging teeth, just waiting for something to happen in what can only be described as a 'desert bunker'. And what do you know? Massive underground, stinking, tunnelling worm like Aliens land right on his secluded doorstep. For Burt Gummer it was as if Christmas had come early. And it was awesome. So awesome is this character that someone, somewhere in the wacky world of the internet has chosen to place this dedication site up to him; complete with some of his best quotes. Awesome.

2. Red Queen – From the original Resident Evil movie.

Who, and why you forgot them:

Put simply there should have been a lot more from the queen in the first Resident Evil film – as it stands Milla Jovovich rolls up and has a chat for about two minutes along with that dip shit who couldn't open the door and ends up getting eaten anyway. This is unacceptable, we wanted more; the only redeeming quality of this scene is that the Queen ends it by saying “You are all going to die.” in a mad creepy upper class British accent - play that bit on loop to a group of stoned people and you'll completely understand just why the Queen is so fucking cool. Nothing freaks out people like menacing children, take the twins in the Shining as classic example of this. It's something that simply doesn't happen enough in modern horror. Take your Halloween remakes and go fuck, now what we really want to freak ourselves out is a live action version of 'Recess' – Recess - The Creepy Killing Game – the kids go mad and run around killing everyone in town as if it were an orcestrated Gym Class. Now there is a movie that would sell. As I understand it they have brought Red Queen back for the new instalment of Resident Evil; fuckin ay, where the Dick Jones has she been for the film she missed? What were you thinking. The bottom line is that there is something ultimately creepy about a deceptive, bright red child who isn't afraid of slicing a dicing swat teams with wicked awesome laser beams. You can't ask for much more from a film.

3. Frank Elgyn – The awesome space pirate from Alien: Resurrection.

Who, and why you forgot them:

Pirates are awesome. Space is awesome. That makes space pirates instantly twice as awesome. Fact. Lets set the scene. As the film begins this guy and his crew of loyal psycopathic, almost as equally rowdy as Elgyn himself (except for the spaz in the space-wheel chair - obviously), space buccaneers have just pirated a Human transport ship and are about to deliver live kidnapped, albeit frozen, human subjects to a top secret military installation for what Elgyn suspects is illegal scientific testing. Think about it, on a scale of one to ten, how bad ass is that? The only reason this guy is forgotten so easily is that he is killed so quickly. But to be fair to the lad it was by a completely pissed off Alien who'd just spend a few nights being prodded and otherwise sexually molested by that pervy scientist guy (what the fuck was that about while we are on the subject?). So you know, fair enough – and to be honest, we all know the only way to kill an Alien is to get Sigourney Weaver down to her pants and vest, as if she was doing PE in year 1, give her a flame thrower and piss her off by being well... an Alien killing machine, so looking at the 'big picture' Elgyn really didn't stand that much of a chance the moment he stepped foot on the space station. Space pirates are still awesome though.

4. Brick Tamlin – The Retarded weather man from Anchorman.

Who, and why you forgot them:

The only reason you may have forgotten this guy is that the rest of the characters in the film are so funny – or you simply haven't seen the film, in which case, stop reading this and go and watch it immediately. Brick is the weather man in Anchorman, who's intro monolouge goes like this “I’m Brick Tamlin. People seem to like me because I’m polite and I’m rarely late. I like ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me I have an IQ of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded…” if that isn't awesome enough, later on in the film he is seen riding a massive real life brown bear declaring “I'm riding a big fury tractor”. I could go on, but just watch the film – awesome.

5. Jack Burton – From Big Trouble In Little China.

Who, and why you forgot them:

This film is quite old, many of you will remember it as kids or young adults, you may not even have had the pleasure of seeing it if you are younger. First off: See it. There is really no other excuse for not knowing of the supreme awesomeness of Jack Burton. A gambling, trucking drifter at the beginning of the film Jack finds himself quickly immersed into a scary magic filled battle between good and evil loosely based on various oriental myths and legends. And does he seem at all bothered? No he doesn't, he gets himself a gun, and goes on a mad one saving and presumably laying Kim Cattrall (the slutty Grandma' from Sex In The City, or for the geek squad the sexy Vulcan traitor in Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country) in the process. Awesome. At one stage he is in a lift with a group of fighting monks, all of whom appear to be on extacy – telling each other how nice they are, hugging and generally behaving like club bunnies at 2am on a Friday night - at a rave. If there has to be a definition of awesomeness, I can't think of a better one. “Taking Names: Off Your Face With Monks Fighting Evil” would be the title of Jack Burton's autobiography – this too, is awesome.

6. Merlin – From the 80's Excalibur Film (The one with Captain Picard in).

Who, and why you forgot them:

No one tends to remember anything about this film other than the fact the Captain Picard is in it. He's not even in it for very long, he doesn't play a main part. But then against no one is even trying to dispute that Patrick Stewart is awesome, so that's perhaps why you may have seen this film and forgotten Merlin. In reference to the last paragraph about Jack Burton and his druggie monk friends and thus talking of “off your face” - this guy was. Either the actor, Nicol Williamson, was actually smashed from his gord for the entire filming, or perhaps more impressively, he was instructed to play the part that way by the director or maybe in the script itself (although given the legends involved and their previous failure to mention Merlin's substance addictions I find this hard to believe) and this is thus the best piece of character acting I've probably ever seen. Never previous to watching this flick did I ever imagine Merlin as being completely mental or possibly a drug addict. I do now. I had thought of Merlin as a wise old man, probably with a beard. I don't any more. The ability to change a long standing perception of a historical/mythological person is awesome. Fact.

7. Voltan – Jack Palance from Hawk The Slayer.

Who, and why you forgot them:

Perhaps the more pertinent question to ask is not “who is this guy”, but “why on holy Gods Earth did Jack Palance take this role?” We'll probably never know. This film is kinda in the realms of the obscure, that's a fair comment, but know this; Hawk the Slayer is hysterical, and nothing more so than the already hysterical just by name bad guy, “VOLTAN” portrayed, very seriously, by for reasons best known to himself and presumably his sniggering agent, Jack Palance. I believe this was actually his last film. And you'll know why if you've seen it. So, you ask, why does any of this make Voltan awesome? The answer is simple, the seriousness with which Voltan is played against the backdrop of Iguana's blatantly borrowed from Whipstade animal shelter, and the rest of the casts distinctly “dodgy” acting make him in comparison one bad ass mother fucker. Not that that's the real reason he makes the list, he is also, importantly, willing to kill nuns – in a brutal on screen fashion. Something that Hollywood often shy's away from; the massive bunch of pussy's.

Hope you enjoyed the list.

K, a little help. What in holy hell is this slot?


So this may well be a newbish question but it's been a few years since I actually took a new computer apart to add anything. I open this box, a Slimline HP Pavilion this morning expecting to find an AGP slot and a PCI slot, maybe two - and instead I am greeted with this.

So the question, stupid as it may be, is simple; what in the holy hell is that slot? And yes before you troll, I have Googled it - at length... And come up with nothing.

And that answered...

The next question I will ask is, can I stick a video card in there, if so, what do people recommend on a severe budget?

Help me internets, you are my only hope.

Thursday, 11 October 2007

Stone Age Tech Support.

(Karyuu) The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:
(karyuu) This fire help. Me Groog
(karyuu) Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
(karyuu) You have flint and stone?
(karyuu) Ugh
(karyuu) You hit them together?
(karyuu) Ugh
(karyuu) What happen?
(karyuu) Fire not work
(karyuu) (sigh) Make spark?
(karyuu) No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
(karyuu) *sigh* You change rock?
(karyuu) I change nothing
(karyuu) You sure?
(karyuu) Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.
*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*


Who the fuck searches Reddit for... women nude?

As taken from my referers list. Seriously, who was that? Why?

You know who you are!

Top Tip: Google search for pr0n ftw.

Old women gets the horn - no really, unicorn style.

Deep in the depths of Zhanjiang south China a 95 year old woman has sprouted a 12 centimetre long horn on her forehead - seemingly for no reason what so ever. Doctors are said to be "baffled" by the protrusion - and can only speculate that the women, Xiou Ling is suffering some kind of rare and obscure "hormone imbalance".

Is that some kind of entry level pun do you think? Horn-Mone? I'd like to think so.


Meanwhile, somewhere on the internet... people are laughing at her picture.

Her family are said to be "saving up to have it [the horn] removed". Good. She's scaring the children.

In other, happier news, Xiou Ling has won the "unitentially looking like a Manga bad guy" award 2007 - hands down.

I wish the old dear well in removing the thing.

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

Wang and schwartz.

Digital Nobody says:
i need an article for today but my mind is blank

Peter says:
discuss the modern usage of the word wang

Peter says:

Digital Nobody says:
They did seem to like the word wang on that vista article. And by article I mean, heat of the moment rant.

Peter says:
follow it up

Peter says:
try to also use the term schwartz

Digital Nobody says:

Digital Nobody says:

Digital Nobody says:

Digital Nobody says:
or I could just post this log, it meets the criteria?

The way we were.

I can no longer sit in a bar and smoke.

I swear down I was born in the wrong decade. Possibly century.

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

Vista is just a massive donkey wang.

So my girlfriend gets a new computer a month ago, we buy it off the shelf in a high street store because, shit, it doesn't have to do much, run Firefox, run MSN generally not crash and Jesus H Christ I'd have a happy girlfriend. The new box is running Vista, so this makes me twitch a bit, a new operating system isn't something I want to expose someone who doesn't give two fucks about a box unless it “...just works” to but hell, it can't be that bad right?

No, clearly, I am an idiot. It CAN be that bad, and it is.

Since buying it, we've tried to install precisely three bits of large 3rd party software.

  1. SonicStage – would you believe that this lord of arse software is even worse on Vista, and about as stable as an alcoholic catholic priest at an all boys under twelve's sports day. On a hot day. Oh yes, the box says Windows Vista compatible. The Digital Nobody says: Bullshit.

  1. Command & Conquer - Tiberium Wars – I've tried to install this game, which me and the missus both enjoy playing on no less than three Windows Vista boxes, all of which seem to fail at the exact point irrespective of which patch you are running. Start a game, go to lay a power station, and b00m. Back looking at the intensely homosexual Windows Vista desktop. One word sums this up: Batty.

  1. LDC Theory Test CD - The final insult in many ways, after two evenings trying to find some one in holy hell of getting CnC 3 to run on Vista, fucking around with endless updates for this and updates for that and installing, uninstalling and reinstalling, my girfriend, sad little look on her face, admits defeat and resigns herself to having a go with her driving theory test CD. She puts it in the drive... and what a fucking surprise the machine locks up. I check the CD... Vista compatible it says. Like fuck says I. I stick it in an XP Box... It runs just fine.

In short: Windows Vista is a fucking disaster.

It's not just games that don't work correctly.

Nothing works correctly.

It's flawed.

It's rubbish.

It has angered me.

I am going to hit things.

I bid you all a good evening.

Except those wankfucks at Redmond. You'll get yours.

Tongue Based Freak Show.

glumbert - Tongue Dance

Stupid site's video wouldn't embed.

Consider the head.

Kane's Wrath - Great Blog.

Check out this great fansite for the forthcoming expansion pack for Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars, named Kane's Wrath. New units, new GUI, new lots of stuff. The blog covers it all.

Monday, 8 October 2007

86 Rules of Boozing - Myths dispelled.

Here is a list of 86 "Rules of Boozing", originally published here:

There are some I disagree with quite strongly, so I've chosen to comment upon them below mainly for my own clarification.

13. If he (the barman) makes it (your drink) too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

No he won't. Well, only if there are about five people, maximum, in the bar as opposed to the fifty I'd expect in order for me to have remained in a bar and for it to have held my attention; old man pubs and country family pubs only I'm afraid, in the real drinkers world this "rule" is bollocks. Indeed; order what you like in a busy bar, no one gives a fuck.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

Or she's driving, on antibiotics or has some other good reason. Never assume, you get three strikes with chicks in bars, we all know that right?

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

Or she likes your friend. Or she's extremly drunk. Who knows; such things are not a good tell of anything in reality.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

Only if you want to completely ruin the drink in question. This is a retarded thing to do.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

Don't drink a girly drink because you are affraid of looking girly and you are a tad self concious, quite probably worried about your own sexuality- and possibly 15 years old. Seriously; who cares what people drink so long as they are drunk. Many a burly 'mans man' has been out drunk by a chap downing Bacardi and cokes. I challenge any adamant beer drinker to down 18 double Bacardi and cokes and remain standing. It's never happened.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

Like fuck they were.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

Frankly, no it won't, I'm always hot.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

Where "works" == makes you look like a total prick.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

Possibly. You can definitely tell how pissed someone is with this method. The two things may well relate.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an over sized brandy snifter.

Other than perhaps staring at the guy swilring the over sized brandy snifter and making this observation in the first instance?

56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.

You've obviously not met my friend Adrian.

81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.

You've obviously not seen me after 15.

Other than that as regard the list, fair play.

"Ho ho ho" of the day.

Kitty Piano Bong.

Thursday, 4 October 2007

Moar Internets Mailing List!

Sign up today! Just click here and fill in teh details!

I have to go away for work...

But I shall return on Monday. Until then Internet people. Until then.

Wednesday, 3 October 2007

Jesus in a pint? Orly.

Best 'Flash Mobs' Ever.

Here is a collection of some of the most amusing flash mobs ever videoed and stuck up on the net. In case you don't know what a flash mob is wiki describes the phenomenon as; "a large group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, do something unusual for a brief period of time, then quickly disperse." What could possibly be more awesome?

Cosplay Dance Routine
Included for completeness.

The Berkly Ninja Battle
Included for sheer awesomeness.

The London Silent Rave
Included for the mystified communter factor.

The Birmingham Pillow Fight
Included for the baffled shopper factor.

Suntec City Tower "ARROWS!!"
Included for the Lord Of The Rings factor.

The Newcastle "Ball"
Included for the in front of a preacher factor.

The Brighton "Let's have a sleep" Mob
Included for the someone had to do it factor.

That's all folks.

Impromptu Cosplay Street Dance == Win.

I'd love to see someone pull off a flash mob like this in person. I'd wet myself. Awesome stuff.

Never A Truer Word Spoken.

Use this guide against those people on your social networking profiles. In particular those which discuss fat chicks. It is amazingly accurate.

Tuesday, 2 October 2007

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later...

Seriously, of all the female P.E teachers in the world and the percentage of them being a certain way inclined as high as it is; this was bound to happen, sooner or later.

I managed to express my point without specifically saying anything - therefore you know it's valid.

Am I right or what?


dol-* <-- You there at the US Department of Labour, get the fuck back to work and stop wasting your time and tax payers money reading this blog! K, tnks.

Anna from Tekken 3 does look a lot like the Orly Owl... Discuss.

The Worlds best famous last words.

Here is a list of famous last words worthy of note, I've split the list into three catagories, deep, amusing and cool.

Deep Last Words

Ned Kelly the Australian folk hero, outlaw and legend's last words were "I suppose it had to come to this. Such is life." These said with a smile as the as the hangman adjusted the hood to cover Ned's face moments before he was hanged.

Giacomo Casanova said “I have lived as a philosopher, and die as a Christian”.

Aleister Crowley is reported to have said simply “I am perplexed.” It has also been suggested he then ominously whispered “...Satan Get Out”.

Aldous Huxley, in a note to his wife requested simply “LSD, 100 micro grams I.M”. What a legend.

Pope John Paul II kept it simple and to the point with “Amen.”

Nostradamus got one right at last saying “Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here.”

Leonardo da Vinci saidI have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.” I think many people would disagree with him there.

The poet Heinrich Heine reasoned “God will pardon me, that's his line of work.”

Saint Joan of Arc, while being burned at the stake by over enthusiastic God botherers for being very good at what she did simply requested that her persecutors "Hold the cross high so I may see it through the flames". Definition of faith?

Amusing Last Words

Dominique Bouhours, the famous French grammarian finished off in the same manner in which he had chosen to live with the carefully worded sentance “I am about to — or I am going to — die: either expression is correct.”

Victor Hugo, not changing the habit of a life time satirically commented “I see black light”.

Union General John Sedgewick was killed during the Battle of Spotsylvania on May 9, 1864 while sitting on his horse and making the comment that the confederate troops were so inept that they "couldn't hit an elephant from this dis - - - " These were his last words.

Along the same lines some say General Custer's last words were “What Indians?”

Lou Costello's last words were “That was the best ice-cream soda I ever tasted."

Dylan Thomas' last words were "I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. I do believe that is a record." Fair play.

Voltaire's last words were "This is no time to make new enemies." He said this when asked on his deathbed to forswear Satan.

Oscar Wilde amusingly quipped "Either this wallpaper goes, or I do!" on his deathbed and then promptly died.

James French, the murderer, shocked witnesses at his execution as he sat on the electric chair and shouted towards the journalists “Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French Fries'!” He had obviously been waiting on death row some time to say this. He thought it up all himself.

Freddie Mercury commented “Gay men love my ass and so should you.”

Pope John Paul I stated that “I will see you tomorrow, if God wills it.” He said this an hour before he died of a heart attack. I guess God didn't will it.

Domonic Willard was a small time foot crook during the Prohibition. Just before his death by firing squad, he was asked if he had any last requests. His answer will be remembered for all time; “Why, yes,” he smiled “a bulletproof vest.”

Cool Last Words

Captain Kidd the famous Pirate's last words were “My name was Captain Kidd, when I sail'd, when I sail'd, And so wickedly I did, God's laws I did forbid, When I sail'd, when I sail'd. I roam'd from sound to sound, And many a ship I found, And then I sunk or burn'd, When I sail'd. I murder'd William Moore, And laid him in his gore, Not many leagues from shore, When I sail'd. Farewell to young and old, All jolly seamen bold, You're welcome to my gold, For I must die, I must die. Farewell to Lunnon town, The pretty girls all round, No pardon can be found, and I must die, I must die, Farewell, for I must die. Then to eternity, in hideous misery, I must lie, I must lie.” He was hung twice (the rope failed to snap his neck the first time) moments later. This later became known as “The Ballad of Captain Kidd”.

Humphrey Bogart's last words were "I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis."

Lord Byron's last words were simply "Goodnight."

Ramon Maria Narvaez the Spanish general and conservative political leader's last words were “I do not have to forgive my enemies, I have had them all shot." He said this on his deathbed when asked by a priest if he forgave his enemies.

Robert Erskine Childers faced his firing squad with balls of steal and not a little compassion in 1922 during the Irish Civil War advising “Take a step forward lads - it'll be easier that way”.

Leon Trotsky managed to say “Don't kill this man. He has a story to tell.” He said this to his guards... who were about to kill the man who had mortally wounded him with an ice axe.

Finally Socrates didn't want to go to the next word owing, his last words were "Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius. Will you remember to pay the debt?"

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