Saturday, 13 October 2007

Simon Pegg to play Scotty - Awesome.

"Brit thespo Simon Pegg, who's previously entertained the crowds in Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, will play a young Scotty in the next celluloid Star Trek outing, Reuters reports.

Pegg joins Zoe Saldana as Uhura, Anton Yelchin as Chekov, John Cho as Sulu and Zachary Quinto as Spock in the film which reportedly, and logically, "chronicles the early days of the Enterprise crew". Leonard Nimoy will also put in an appearance, while Eric Bana signed up this week as the movie's villain, Nero."

If they really have to recast it, and they do because the real poor old Scotty is long since passed into the nether, then I really can't think of anyone better to take the role. Pegg must be jizzing in his pants at the thought. Well done that man. Lets just hope the film isn't a big pile of wank; because that will surely be upsetting, not only for me but for fans like Pegg too.

Time'll tell.

Friday, 12 October 2007

Best Halo 3 advert. Ever.

Awesome film characters you've forgotten or missed.

The films may not have been so great, but the characters: Wicked Awesome.

1. Burt Gummer – The Survivalist from Tremors.

Who, and why you forgot them:

You may have forgotten this guy; but I suspect if you don't know him you haven't' actually seen the film or the latter series. It's impossible to truly erase such awesomeness from the Human brain, that'd just be too tragic. It's not allowed. So, why is Burt Gummer so awesome? Simply because It's almost as if he knew, on some level, that one day, he'd have to kick some extraterrestrial ass. This guy has been sitting there on his pseudo redneck ass, armed to the frigging teeth, just waiting for something to happen in what can only be described as a 'desert bunker'. And what do you know? Massive underground, stinking, tunnelling worm like Aliens land right on his secluded doorstep. For Burt Gummer it was as if Christmas had come early. And it was awesome. So awesome is this character that someone, somewhere in the wacky world of the internet has chosen to place this dedication site up to him; complete with some of his best quotes. Awesome.

2. Red Queen – From the original Resident Evil movie.

Who, and why you forgot them:

Put simply there should have been a lot more from the queen in the first Resident Evil film – as it stands Milla Jovovich rolls up and has a chat for about two minutes along with that dip shit who couldn't open the door and ends up getting eaten anyway. This is unacceptable, we wanted more; the only redeeming quality of this scene is that the Queen ends it by saying “You are all going to die.” in a mad creepy upper class British accent - play that bit on loop to a group of stoned people and you'll completely understand just why the Queen is so fucking cool. Nothing freaks out people like menacing children, take the twins in the Shining as classic example of this. It's something that simply doesn't happen enough in modern horror. Take your Halloween remakes and go fuck, now what we really want to freak ourselves out is a live action version of 'Recess' – Recess - The Creepy Killing Game – the kids go mad and run around killing everyone in town as if it were an orcestrated Gym Class. Now there is a movie that would sell. As I understand it they have brought Red Queen back for the new instalment of Resident Evil; fuckin ay, where the Dick Jones has she been for the film she missed? What were you thinking. The bottom line is that there is something ultimately creepy about a deceptive, bright red child who isn't afraid of slicing a dicing swat teams with wicked awesome laser beams. You can't ask for much more from a film.

3. Frank Elgyn – The awesome space pirate from Alien: Resurrection.

Who, and why you forgot them:

Pirates are awesome. Space is awesome. That makes space pirates instantly twice as awesome. Fact. Lets set the scene. As the film begins this guy and his crew of loyal psycopathic, almost as equally rowdy as Elgyn himself (except for the spaz in the space-wheel chair - obviously), space buccaneers have just pirated a Human transport ship and are about to deliver live kidnapped, albeit frozen, human subjects to a top secret military installation for what Elgyn suspects is illegal scientific testing. Think about it, on a scale of one to ten, how bad ass is that? The only reason this guy is forgotten so easily is that he is killed so quickly. But to be fair to the lad it was by a completely pissed off Alien who'd just spend a few nights being prodded and otherwise sexually molested by that pervy scientist guy (what the fuck was that about while we are on the subject?). So you know, fair enough – and to be honest, we all know the only way to kill an Alien is to get Sigourney Weaver down to her pants and vest, as if she was doing PE in year 1, give her a flame thrower and piss her off by being well... an Alien killing machine, so looking at the 'big picture' Elgyn really didn't stand that much of a chance the moment he stepped foot on the space station. Space pirates are still awesome though.

4. Brick Tamlin – The Retarded weather man from Anchorman.

Who, and why you forgot them:

The only reason you may have forgotten this guy is that the rest of the characters in the film are so funny – or you simply haven't seen the film, in which case, stop reading this and go and watch it immediately. Brick is the weather man in Anchorman, who's intro monolouge goes like this “I’m Brick Tamlin. People seem to like me because I’m polite and I’m rarely late. I like ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me I have an IQ of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded…” if that isn't awesome enough, later on in the film he is seen riding a massive real life brown bear declaring “I'm riding a big fury tractor”. I could go on, but just watch the film – awesome.

5. Jack Burton – From Big Trouble In Little China.

Who, and why you forgot them:

This film is quite old, many of you will remember it as kids or young adults, you may not even have had the pleasure of seeing it if you are younger. First off: See it. There is really no other excuse for not knowing of the supreme awesomeness of Jack Burton. A gambling, trucking drifter at the beginning of the film Jack finds himself quickly immersed into a scary magic filled battle between good and evil loosely based on various oriental myths and legends. And does he seem at all bothered? No he doesn't, he gets himself a gun, and goes on a mad one saving and presumably laying Kim Cattrall (the slutty Grandma' from Sex In The City, or for the geek squad the sexy Vulcan traitor in Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country) in the process. Awesome. At one stage he is in a lift with a group of fighting monks, all of whom appear to be on extacy – telling each other how nice they are, hugging and generally behaving like club bunnies at 2am on a Friday night - at a rave. If there has to be a definition of awesomeness, I can't think of a better one. “Taking Names: Off Your Face With Monks Fighting Evil” would be the title of Jack Burton's autobiography – this too, is awesome.

6. Merlin – From the 80's Excalibur Film (The one with Captain Picard in).

Who, and why you forgot them:

No one tends to remember anything about this film other than the fact the Captain Picard is in it. He's not even in it for very long, he doesn't play a main part. But then against no one is even trying to dispute that Patrick Stewart is awesome, so that's perhaps why you may have seen this film and forgotten Merlin. In reference to the last paragraph about Jack Burton and his druggie monk friends and thus talking of “off your face” - this guy was. Either the actor, Nicol Williamson, was actually smashed from his gord for the entire filming, or perhaps more impressively, he was instructed to play the part that way by the director or maybe in the script itself (although given the legends involved and their previous failure to mention Merlin's substance addictions I find this hard to believe) and this is thus the best piece of character acting I've probably ever seen. Never previous to watching this flick did I ever imagine Merlin as being completely mental or possibly a drug addict. I do now. I had thought of Merlin as a wise old man, probably with a beard. I don't any more. The ability to change a long standing perception of a historical/mythological person is awesome. Fact.

7. Voltan – Jack Palance from Hawk The Slayer.

Who, and why you forgot them:

Perhaps the more pertinent question to ask is not “who is this guy”, but “why on holy Gods Earth did Jack Palance take this role?” We'll probably never know. This film is kinda in the realms of the obscure, that's a fair comment, but know this; Hawk the Slayer is hysterical, and nothing more so than the already hysterical just by name bad guy, “VOLTAN” portrayed, very seriously, by for reasons best known to himself and presumably his sniggering agent, Jack Palance. I believe this was actually his last film. And you'll know why if you've seen it. So, you ask, why does any of this make Voltan awesome? The answer is simple, the seriousness with which Voltan is played against the backdrop of Iguana's blatantly borrowed from Whipstade animal shelter, and the rest of the casts distinctly “dodgy” acting make him in comparison one bad ass mother fucker. Not that that's the real reason he makes the list, he is also, importantly, willing to kill nuns – in a brutal on screen fashion. Something that Hollywood often shy's away from; the massive bunch of pussy's.

Hope you enjoyed the list.

K, a little help. What in holy hell is this slot?


So this may well be a newbish question but it's been a few years since I actually took a new computer apart to add anything. I open this box, a Slimline HP Pavilion this morning expecting to find an AGP slot and a PCI slot, maybe two - and instead I am greeted with this.

So the question, stupid as it may be, is simple; what in the holy hell is that slot? And yes before you troll, I have Googled it - at length... And come up with nothing.

And that answered...

The next question I will ask is, can I stick a video card in there, if so, what do people recommend on a severe budget?

Help me internets, you are my only hope.

Thursday, 11 October 2007

Stone Age Tech Support.

(Karyuu) The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:
(karyuu) This fire help. Me Groog
(karyuu) Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
(karyuu) You have flint and stone?
(karyuu) Ugh
(karyuu) You hit them together?
(karyuu) Ugh
(karyuu) What happen?
(karyuu) Fire not work
(karyuu) (sigh) Make spark?
(karyuu) No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
(karyuu) *sigh* You change rock?
(karyuu) I change nothing
(karyuu) You sure?
(karyuu) Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.
*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*


Who the fuck searches Reddit for... women nude?

As taken from my referers list. Seriously, who was that? Why?

You know who you are!

Top Tip: Google search for pr0n ftw.

Old women gets the horn - no really, unicorn style.

Deep in the depths of Zhanjiang south China a 95 year old woman has sprouted a 12 centimetre long horn on her forehead - seemingly for no reason what so ever. Doctors are said to be "baffled" by the protrusion - and can only speculate that the women, Xiou Ling is suffering some kind of rare and obscure "hormone imbalance".

Is that some kind of entry level pun do you think? Horn-Mone? I'd like to think so.


Meanwhile, somewhere on the internet... people are laughing at her picture.

Her family are said to be "saving up to have it [the horn] removed". Good. She's scaring the children.

In other, happier news, Xiou Ling has won the "unitentially looking like a Manga bad guy" award 2007 - hands down.

I wish the old dear well in removing the thing.

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

Wang and schwartz.

Digital Nobody says:
i need an article for today but my mind is blank

Peter says:
discuss the modern usage of the word wang

Peter says:

Digital Nobody says:
They did seem to like the word wang on that vista article. And by article I mean, heat of the moment rant.

Peter says:
follow it up

Peter says:
try to also use the term schwartz

Digital Nobody says:

Digital Nobody says:

Digital Nobody says:

Digital Nobody says:
or I could just post this log, it meets the criteria?

The way we were.

I can no longer sit in a bar and smoke.

I swear down I was born in the wrong decade. Possibly century.

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

Vista is just a massive donkey wang.

So my girlfriend gets a new computer a month ago, we buy it off the shelf in a high street store because, shit, it doesn't have to do much, run Firefox, run MSN generally not crash and Jesus H Christ I'd have a happy girlfriend. The new box is running Vista, so this makes me twitch a bit, a new operating system isn't something I want to expose someone who doesn't give two fucks about a box unless it “...just works” to but hell, it can't be that bad right?

No, clearly, I am an idiot. It CAN be that bad, and it is.

Since buying it, we've tried to install precisely three bits of large 3rd party software.

  1. SonicStage – would you believe that this lord of arse software is even worse on Vista, and about as stable as an alcoholic catholic priest at an all boys under twelve's sports day. On a hot day. Oh yes, the box says Windows Vista compatible. The Digital Nobody says: Bullshit.

  1. Command & Conquer - Tiberium Wars – I've tried to install this game, which me and the missus both enjoy playing on no less than three Windows Vista boxes, all of which seem to fail at the exact point irrespective of which patch you are running. Start a game, go to lay a power station, and b00m. Back looking at the intensely homosexual Windows Vista desktop. One word sums this up: Batty.

  1. LDC Theory Test CD - The final insult in many ways, after two evenings trying to find some one in holy hell of getting CnC 3 to run on Vista, fucking around with endless updates for this and updates for that and installing, uninstalling and reinstalling, my girfriend, sad little look on her face, admits defeat and resigns herself to having a go with her driving theory test CD. She puts it in the drive... and what a fucking surprise the machine locks up. I check the CD... Vista compatible it says. Like fuck says I. I stick it in an XP Box... It runs just fine.

In short: Windows Vista is a fucking disaster.

It's not just games that don't work correctly.

Nothing works correctly.

It's flawed.

It's rubbish.

It has angered me.

I am going to hit things.

I bid you all a good evening.

Except those wankfucks at Redmond. You'll get yours.

Tongue Based Freak Show.

glumbert - Tongue Dance

Stupid site's video wouldn't embed.

Consider the head.

Kane's Wrath - Great Blog.

Check out this great fansite for the forthcoming expansion pack for Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars, named Kane's Wrath. New units, new GUI, new lots of stuff. The blog covers it all.

Monday, 8 October 2007

86 Rules of Boozing - Myths dispelled.

Here is a list of 86 "Rules of Boozing", originally published here:

There are some I disagree with quite strongly, so I've chosen to comment upon them below mainly for my own clarification.

13. If he (the barman) makes it (your drink) too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

No he won't. Well, only if there are about five people, maximum, in the bar as opposed to the fifty I'd expect in order for me to have remained in a bar and for it to have held my attention; old man pubs and country family pubs only I'm afraid, in the real drinkers world this "rule" is bollocks. Indeed; order what you like in a busy bar, no one gives a fuck.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

Or she's driving, on antibiotics or has some other good reason. Never assume, you get three strikes with chicks in bars, we all know that right?

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

Or she likes your friend. Or she's extremly drunk. Who knows; such things are not a good tell of anything in reality.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

Only if you want to completely ruin the drink in question. This is a retarded thing to do.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

Don't drink a girly drink because you are affraid of looking girly and you are a tad self concious, quite probably worried about your own sexuality- and possibly 15 years old. Seriously; who cares what people drink so long as they are drunk. Many a burly 'mans man' has been out drunk by a chap downing Bacardi and cokes. I challenge any adamant beer drinker to down 18 double Bacardi and cokes and remain standing. It's never happened.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

Like fuck they were.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

Frankly, no it won't, I'm always hot.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

Where "works" == makes you look like a total prick.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

Possibly. You can definitely tell how pissed someone is with this method. The two things may well relate.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an over sized brandy snifter.

Other than perhaps staring at the guy swilring the over sized brandy snifter and making this observation in the first instance?

56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.

You've obviously not met my friend Adrian.

81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.

You've obviously not seen me after 15.

Other than that as regard the list, fair play.

"Ho ho ho" of the day.

Kitty Piano Bong.

This link kills spam, your mum spammers, your mum.

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