Friday, 12 October 2007

Awesome film characters you've forgotten or missed.

The films may not have been so great, but the characters: Wicked Awesome.

1. Burt Gummer – The Survivalist from Tremors.

Who, and why you forgot them:

You may have forgotten this guy; but I suspect if you don't know him you haven't' actually seen the film or the latter series. It's impossible to truly erase such awesomeness from the Human brain, that'd just be too tragic. It's not allowed. So, why is Burt Gummer so awesome? Simply because It's almost as if he knew, on some level, that one day, he'd have to kick some extraterrestrial ass. This guy has been sitting there on his pseudo redneck ass, armed to the frigging teeth, just waiting for something to happen in what can only be described as a 'desert bunker'. And what do you know? Massive underground, stinking, tunnelling worm like Aliens land right on his secluded doorstep. For Burt Gummer it was as if Christmas had come early. And it was awesome. So awesome is this character that someone, somewhere in the wacky world of the internet has chosen to place this dedication site up to him; complete with some of his best quotes. Awesome.

2. Red Queen – From the original Resident Evil movie.

Who, and why you forgot them:

Put simply there should have been a lot more from the queen in the first Resident Evil film – as it stands Milla Jovovich rolls up and has a chat for about two minutes along with that dip shit who couldn't open the door and ends up getting eaten anyway. This is unacceptable, we wanted more; the only redeeming quality of this scene is that the Queen ends it by saying “You are all going to die.” in a mad creepy upper class British accent - play that bit on loop to a group of stoned people and you'll completely understand just why the Queen is so fucking cool. Nothing freaks out people like menacing children, take the twins in the Shining as classic example of this. It's something that simply doesn't happen enough in modern horror. Take your Halloween remakes and go fuck, now what we really want to freak ourselves out is a live action version of 'Recess' – Recess - The Creepy Killing Game – the kids go mad and run around killing everyone in town as if it were an orcestrated Gym Class. Now there is a movie that would sell. As I understand it they have brought Red Queen back for the new instalment of Resident Evil; fuckin ay, where the Dick Jones has she been for the film she missed? What were you thinking. The bottom line is that there is something ultimately creepy about a deceptive, bright red child who isn't afraid of slicing a dicing swat teams with wicked awesome laser beams. You can't ask for much more from a film.

3. Frank Elgyn – The awesome space pirate from Alien: Resurrection.

Who, and why you forgot them:

Pirates are awesome. Space is awesome. That makes space pirates instantly twice as awesome. Fact. Lets set the scene. As the film begins this guy and his crew of loyal psycopathic, almost as equally rowdy as Elgyn himself (except for the spaz in the space-wheel chair - obviously), space buccaneers have just pirated a Human transport ship and are about to deliver live kidnapped, albeit frozen, human subjects to a top secret military installation for what Elgyn suspects is illegal scientific testing. Think about it, on a scale of one to ten, how bad ass is that? The only reason this guy is forgotten so easily is that he is killed so quickly. But to be fair to the lad it was by a completely pissed off Alien who'd just spend a few nights being prodded and otherwise sexually molested by that pervy scientist guy (what the fuck was that about while we are on the subject?). So you know, fair enough – and to be honest, we all know the only way to kill an Alien is to get Sigourney Weaver down to her pants and vest, as if she was doing PE in year 1, give her a flame thrower and piss her off by being well... an Alien killing machine, so looking at the 'big picture' Elgyn really didn't stand that much of a chance the moment he stepped foot on the space station. Space pirates are still awesome though.

4. Brick Tamlin – The Retarded weather man from Anchorman.

Who, and why you forgot them:

The only reason you may have forgotten this guy is that the rest of the characters in the film are so funny – or you simply haven't seen the film, in which case, stop reading this and go and watch it immediately. Brick is the weather man in Anchorman, who's intro monolouge goes like this “I’m Brick Tamlin. People seem to like me because I’m polite and I’m rarely late. I like ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me I have an IQ of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded…” if that isn't awesome enough, later on in the film he is seen riding a massive real life brown bear declaring “I'm riding a big fury tractor”. I could go on, but just watch the film – awesome.

5. Jack Burton – From Big Trouble In Little China.

Who, and why you forgot them:

This film is quite old, many of you will remember it as kids or young adults, you may not even have had the pleasure of seeing it if you are younger. First off: See it. There is really no other excuse for not knowing of the supreme awesomeness of Jack Burton. A gambling, trucking drifter at the beginning of the film Jack finds himself quickly immersed into a scary magic filled battle between good and evil loosely based on various oriental myths and legends. And does he seem at all bothered? No he doesn't, he gets himself a gun, and goes on a mad one saving and presumably laying Kim Cattrall (the slutty Grandma' from Sex In The City, or for the geek squad the sexy Vulcan traitor in Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country) in the process. Awesome. At one stage he is in a lift with a group of fighting monks, all of whom appear to be on extacy – telling each other how nice they are, hugging and generally behaving like club bunnies at 2am on a Friday night - at a rave. If there has to be a definition of awesomeness, I can't think of a better one. “Taking Names: Off Your Face With Monks Fighting Evil” would be the title of Jack Burton's autobiography – this too, is awesome.

6. Merlin – From the 80's Excalibur Film (The one with Captain Picard in).

Who, and why you forgot them:

No one tends to remember anything about this film other than the fact the Captain Picard is in it. He's not even in it for very long, he doesn't play a main part. But then against no one is even trying to dispute that Patrick Stewart is awesome, so that's perhaps why you may have seen this film and forgotten Merlin. In reference to the last paragraph about Jack Burton and his druggie monk friends and thus talking of “off your face” - this guy was. Either the actor, Nicol Williamson, was actually smashed from his gord for the entire filming, or perhaps more impressively, he was instructed to play the part that way by the director or maybe in the script itself (although given the legends involved and their previous failure to mention Merlin's substance addictions I find this hard to believe) and this is thus the best piece of character acting I've probably ever seen. Never previous to watching this flick did I ever imagine Merlin as being completely mental or possibly a drug addict. I do now. I had thought of Merlin as a wise old man, probably with a beard. I don't any more. The ability to change a long standing perception of a historical/mythological person is awesome. Fact.

7. Voltan – Jack Palance from Hawk The Slayer.

Who, and why you forgot them:

Perhaps the more pertinent question to ask is not “who is this guy”, but “why on holy Gods Earth did Jack Palance take this role?” We'll probably never know. This film is kinda in the realms of the obscure, that's a fair comment, but know this; Hawk the Slayer is hysterical, and nothing more so than the already hysterical just by name bad guy, “VOLTAN” portrayed, very seriously, by for reasons best known to himself and presumably his sniggering agent, Jack Palance. I believe this was actually his last film. And you'll know why if you've seen it. So, you ask, why does any of this make Voltan awesome? The answer is simple, the seriousness with which Voltan is played against the backdrop of Iguana's blatantly borrowed from Whipstade animal shelter, and the rest of the casts distinctly “dodgy” acting make him in comparison one bad ass mother fucker. Not that that's the real reason he makes the list, he is also, importantly, willing to kill nuns – in a brutal on screen fashion. Something that Hollywood often shy's away from; the massive bunch of pussy's.

Hope you enjoyed the list.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hmm good choices:)

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