Sunday, 13 April 2008

The Real Way Things Were Invented Or Discovered.

Ever wonder how things actually came to be? This article is a look at how some of the things we take for granted in the modern age were first suggested.

Example - The need for warmth.

Two cavemen stand freezing in their tatty loincloths.

They are shaking but doing their best to try and keep warm stamping on the floor and such like. In the distance a Woolly Mammoth grazes.

Caveman 1 sniffs and stamps his feet in the cold some more.

Caveman 2: "That mammoth looks warm."

They nod and and both cock their heads to one side.

Example - The need for style.

Two cavemen stand in Woolly Mammoth skins looking a lot warmer than they would otherwise have been, one of them, Caveman 1, has a broken leg which has recently been inflicted upon him by a difficult Woolly Mammoth.

Caveman 1: You know what'd look better than this in retrospect?

Caveman 2: What's that?

Caveman 1 points into the middle distance where a Sabre Toothed Tiger is prowling.

Caveman 2 realises what is being pointed at and turns sharply to Caveman 1.

Caveman 2: Are you MAD?

There is a moment of silence before they both look contemplatively at the tiger...

Example - Religion.

Caveman 1: You know how we have all the Mammoth we can eat?
Caveman 2: Providing you get get them before they break your legs, yeah.

Caveman Two now sports not only Sabre Tooth tiger skin attire, but a large scar across his face presumably inflicted by afore mentioned Sabre Toothed tiger.

Caveman 1: Well... isn't it a bit... easy?
Caveman 2: What... like maybe someone is looking out for us?
Caveman 1: EXACTLY!

Example - Money.

Man 1: I've got some rocks.
Man 2: Er... yeah?
Man 1: Yeah. And I think, that these shiny one's, are worth... like... more than the normal one's.
Man 2: Yeah? Why's that?
Man 1: Well there ain't so many of the shiny one's for a start... Yeah. I think... I could get at least five normal one's, for every shiny one.
Man 2: Then what are you going to with them?

Man 1 scratches his head.

Example - A new mode of transport.

Man 1 and Man 2 stand in a field looking at a horse. There is a prolonged pause before Man 1 speaks.

Man 1: "I'm gonna get on that."

Example - The seafaring age.

Viking 1: That your new kind of boat?
Viking 2: Yup.
Viking 1: Kinda... long isn't it?

The two vikings both nod.

Example - An exciting new drink.

Man 1: "What's that?"
Man 2: "This? Dunno, not thought of a name for it yet. Want some?"
Man 1: "Yeah ok"

Man 1 takes a sip.

Man 1: That's pretty good... where did you get it?
Man 2: Wanked off a cow.

Example - Trade.

Man 1: So... you're telling me, if I give you my cow... You'll give me a bit of... paper, then I can go and exchange this bit of paper for goods and services?
Man 2: Right. Exactly.
Man 1: And someone else is gonna want this bit of paper are they?
Man 2: Yup... yup... definitely.

Man 2 doesn't look at all sure about this. He's looking at his feet.

Man 1: You're full of shit you are.

Example - The invention of the throwing axe.

Viking 1: What's that?
Viking 2: That's my axe.
Viking 1: What's it for then?
Viking 2: Chopping wood and such like.

Viking 1 cocks his head looking at the wood cutting axe.

Viking 1: You know what... I think you could throw that.

Viking 2 looks at it.

Viking 2: It's too big mate.
Viking 1: We could make a smaller one, lob it at people, it'll be great.

Viking 2: Naa, you'd just hit them in the head with the handle, it's not going to be weighted right.
Viking 1: Give it a chance.

Example - The invention of the viking helm.

Viking 1: You alright?
Viking 2: Yup yup.
Viking 1: What's that on your helmet?
Viking 2: Horns.

Viking 1 looks at the helmet.

Viking 1: You look like a cow mate.
Viking 2: What...? Really, I thought it'd be you know, like a dragon, or something.

Viking 1 shakes his head.

Viking 1: Nope. Cow. Too small. Horns needed to be bigger.
Viking 2: It'd slide off if they were any bigger.
Viking 1: A strap maybe? Bit of leather.

Viking 2 mulls this over.

Viking 2: While we are on the subject, what's that metal bit on your helm going down over your nose and face, what's that for?
Viking 1: Well the other day in battle you'll never guess what happened to me, some plank threw, threw an axe at me... hit me right in the nose with the handle.

Example - The invention of the pike.

Man 1: Ok Man 2, you know how we always die when they charge us on the horses?
Man 2: Yup. Dead. A lot.
Man 1: Well I have this really new high tech invention that can prevent this happening.
Man 2: Yeah? Excellent, lets have a look at it then.

Man 1 hands his new ground breaking invention to Man 2.

Man 2 looks it over.

Man 2: Yeah, this look very very much like a stick to me.

Example - The invention of the longbow.

Archer 1: That a new bow?
Archer 2: Certainly is.

Archer 1 looks at his companions new bow.

Archer 2: Made this one slightly differently, it's a bit... what's the word... bigger.
Archer 1: Work better does it?
Archer 2: Yup yup, seems to go further.
Archer 1: Longer distance?
Archer 2: Yeah, both in respect to range and size... it's a kinda a... long bow... really.

Example - If David Blaine had been born 200 years earlier.

Man 1: Who's that then?
Man 2: Says his name is David Blaine.
Man 1: Right. Why's he in the wooden box, being hung over the river then?
Man 2: Says he can stay up there for 40 days and 40 nights.
Man 1: Why'd he wanna do that then?
Man 2: Village idiot.

Man 1 nods in agreement.

Example - If David Copperfield had been born 200 years earlier.

Man 1: So you are saying, that you can make that big tower disappear. And... and... you can walk through a wall?
David Copperfield: Yup. No problem.

Man 1 glances to the local church...

Man 1: I'd keep that to yourself if I were you.

Example: Medicine.

Man 1: I think right, I think, that the reason people get ill... is that tiny little animals crawl inside you and you know, mess around with things.
Man 2: Sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Man 1: No, it's true, I'm sure; also, I think, if we get, a small amount of these little animals, and somehow put them inside us, somehow, we'll be able to get used to them, and then they won't hurt us anymore.
Man 2: Ok... how you gonna get them inside you?
Man 1: Hmm... jab them in with a needle of some kind?

Man 2 looks at man 1.

Man 2: You first mate.

Example - Medical Procedures.

Man 1: So you're telling me you've got this thing called what... an "endoscope"... and what you wanna do, is stick it... up my ass... just... to 'have a look'
Man 2: Yup.
Man 1: You can fuck, right, off.

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