5 Random Bizare Classified Ads from Gumtree.com London

Recently a friend of mine brought this otherwise handy, for anyone who doesn't know it's like a local kinda 'Ebay' and job search site the Aussie's and South African's which frequent London use to sell cheap things when they go back home, sites classified section to my attention.

I am not kidding when I say it's completely lulzworthy; possibly the most lulzworthy thing I've seen all year.

The site address is: http://www.gumtree.com/london_casual_relationships.html.

You could spend hours sifting through for some epic copypasta, and I suggest you do the next time you have a few minutes to spare; but for your convenience I have listed five random classifieds and my commentary and suggested changes to them. Note all of these Ads are no more than a week or two old... Enjoy.


1. "Lick You Out"

Age: 32
Date: Tuesday 4th March

"I want to spread your legs and go down on you. Licking with my tongue, playing with your clit, finger fucking you, hearing you moan with pleasure, you'll walk out of my door with a big smile on your face. I'm a genuine guy, white, 5ft 11, green/blue eyes, clean and genuine. Get in touch and lets arrange..."

This guy certainly doesn't beat around the bush does he? Evidently, he's right into the bush... tounge first when at all possible. The first thing that strikes me is the fact he has to emphasis that he is 'clean' – to me this kinda suggests otherwise, the second thing is the mention of the probability of you 'walking out of his door'... this kinda suggests to me that he has considered the possibly that you won't, coupled with his stating he is a 'genuine guy' (I corrected the spelling on the ad, he'd spelt the word Genuine wrong). Smile on your face as you leave...? Or knife in your lady parts? Who knows with this kinda mixed-motivation classified ad.

What I'd have put instead:

"Man, minger, can't get girls; will lick you out if you let me touch your right breast. I may well be a future/past/present serial killer."


2. "Bukkake"

Age: 39
Date: Tuesday 4th March

"Hi there!

I'm really keen to try something I've often thought about - bukkake.
This is where the guy cums on the girls face and mouth. Nice, eh?!

Is there anyone out there who likes this sort of thing, or is (like me) keen to try this out? I've been told by girlfriends in the past that I have the nicest tasting spunk ... I'm clean and D&D free so no problems there, and you should be too.

If you like I can take pics of your face afterwards (with your camera so you dont need to worry about your shots falling in to wrong hands!)

If this whets your appetite for more information, get in touch and we'll go from there. What do you think?

laters

x x"

"...really keen to try something I've often thought about - bukkake." Read: ...really keen to try something I've often fapped about, Bukkake!" I love the happy-go-lucky "Nice, eh!?" on the end - It suggests a certain mental instability that all girls want in a stranger they are gonna' (if things go well for the chap) let spunk over their face. I am not even going to mention the subtlety factor here... He wants to take photo's too... this whole ad screams porn addict doesn't it? The optimism... or extreme pessimism (I can't decide which it is, it's a paradox) in the "Laters x x" makes me want to cry.

What I'd have put instead:

"I am addicted to porn and want to recreate the much overused bukkake fantasy like SO bad. OMG. I love that shit. No girl will let me do it. In fact, I don't know any girls (irl anyways lol). Do it for the lulz. Would like photo's to share with 4chan.org /b/ and other image boards. K Tks".


3. "help ."

Age: 35
Date: Tuesday 4th March

"hi girls, here there is a man in need...would you help me :)

me: italian, 5'8", fit body, good looking
you: young, fit, sexy, funny.

hope to hear from you

ciao"

Apart from being a short ass... why would a guy with a "Fit body" who is "good looking" "young, sexy, fit and funny" be posting such a desperate and ill conceived ad in a classified section? I think someone here is telling some porkie pies! (That's "lie's" for all the American's out there). I think we should exchange "Fit Body" to "Really stocky and shapeless" good looking to "Butt monkey" and "young, clueless, sad and laughable" for the last bit. I'd be really interested to know how close to the money I am on that one. If only I could be bothered to phish this...

What I'd have put instead:

"Ugly, useless twat really needs sex badly. Anything considered. And I do mean... Anything."



4. "Do you wanna meet up with two girls"

Age: 23
Date: Tuesday 4th March

"We are two girls, who are looking for guys who want to meet and do something fun."

Yeah lets meet up and play Dungeons & Dragons! My Level 5 Fire Penis dispels your blatant Cloak of the Obvious Prostitute! Honestly... these two are definitely on the game. But then again saying that, then why the needlessly ambiguous classified ad?? "Meet up and do something fun" - posting on this particular classified board, that could be just about anything in the universe... "Sheep dipping", "Rubbing a spanner on your crotch"... I mean with this collection of freaks who knows? I'd have definitely gone with something a lot more clear.

What I'd have put instead:

"Two skanky hookers will double team loser. Must have cash (or smack)."



5. "top dogs in action genuine doggers"

Age: 32
Date: Tuesday 4th March

"me and my hubby will be at scratchwood tonight from 9pm till late we are looking for other couples and singles to join in the fun, we are both in our early thirties and very attractive, i loved to be gang banged on the bench with the fresh air whirling around my pussy while my hubby watches and wanks, he also likes to be sucked off by a tranny who are also very welcome. daytime fun in the afternoon most days we also go to scratchwood open space car park of a sunday afternoon its on the A1 near mill hill also warren lane car park stanmore on thursdays

ACTION MOST NIGHTS

http://connect4fun.co.uk/uk-swingers/dogging-locations/Hertfordshire/Scratchwood.htm"


Jesus. This looks fairly, well not 'normal' but you know - understandable, almost... respectable (in a twisted weird classified ad kinda way)... right up until they hit you with it "yeah, while a load of strangers are gang banging me on the bench my husband wanks....... while being sucked off by a tranny.” What the fuck...

What I'd have put instead:

"Slutty women has boyfriend in the closet; likes to be blown by tranny's during my full on pounding. All welcome."


That's all folks.